Writing Task 2 : Evaluation Needed

[Alakesh]

Question

Information technology is changing many aspects of our lives and now dominates our home, leisure and work activities. To what extent do the benefits of information technology outweigh the disadvantages?

Answer

Information technology is one of the prominent examples of advancement in the recent era. Our lives are depending on the small devices we use daily. Our activities and needs can be fulfilled very easily and relatively less time-consuming ways using the help of information technology. But does our increasing demand for information create security issues at the same time?
Information technology has a lot of advantages in our lives. In one hand it is allowing us to achieve any desired task with ease, like setting an alarm as the morning wake up call; on the other hand, it has opened numerous possibilities in difficult situations, like a satellite phone service in a desert. The most vital characteristic of information technology is it is helping us to save a lot of time, where the time has become the most important thing in the modern world. The recent development in big data is one example of the same. It helps us to analyze and make patterns from a complex data system. This process can be used further effectively in the field like human behaviour study or studying the pattern of the universe. Information technology is affecting us in our homes, offices, schools, hospitals, leisure activities and so on. The way we can see a score of a football game on the television has also become possible for this only.
Too much dependency on something always creates a problem. It is not different in the case of information technology also. The way we use information nowadays generate a question of security. It is known to everyone now that companies like Facebook and Google have a ton of data over different things. The most crucial point is that the business of data has become prevalent in the world at present. If these companies can not assure the safety, the chances of using the data unethically will increase. As a result, there will be criminal activities like bank account forgeries and behaviour manipulation. These are small examples, but a lot of difficult and complex problems can be raised for the lack of security.
To conclude, information technology has the power to change the world. That has already started. In my opinion, it can show us the greatest achievements of the human race, if and only if we are ready to use it for the betterment of the world.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission Alakesh!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Information technology is one of example of JUST HOW FAR PEOPLE HAVE advanceD in the recent era. Our lives DEPEND on the small devices we use daily. Our activities and needs can be fulfilled very easily and IN relatively less time-consuming ways BY using information technology. But does our increasing demand for information create security issues at the same time? THIS ESSAY WILL... (EXPLAIN WHAT YOU WILL DO IN THE BODY)

B1:
Information technology GIVES a lot of advantages TO our lives. ON one hand it ALLOWS us to achieve any desired task with ease, like setting an alarm as the morning wake up call; on the other hand, it has GIVEN US INGENIOUS WAYS TO GET OUT OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS, like a satellite phone service in THE desert. The most IMPORTANT characteristic of information technology is THAT it HELPS us to save a lot of time, where (delete 'the') time has become the most important thing in the modern world. The recent development in big data is one example of the same. It helps us to analyze and make patterns from complex data systemS (PLURAL BETTER). This process can be used MORE effectively in fieldS (PLURAL) like human behaviour studIES or WHEN WE study the pattern of the universe. Information technology is affecting us in our homes, offices, schools, hospitals, leisure activities and so on. The way we can INSTANTANEOUSLY see THE score of a football game on the television has also become possible for this only.

B2:
HOWEVER, ON THE OTHER HAND too much dependency on something always creates a problem. THIS IS NO ALSO different in the case of information technology. The way we use information nowadays generateS SOME security QUESTIONS. It is known to everyone now that companies like Facebook and Google have a ton of data COVERING A RANGE OF different things. The most crucial point is that the DATA BUSINESSES CAN BE SEEN EVERYWHERE NOW IN THE BUSINESS WORLD. If these companies can not assure the safety, the POSSIBILITY THAT SOME BAD ACTORS WILL USE the data unethically will increase. As a result, there will be criminal activities like bank account forgeries and behaviour manipulation. These are small examples, but a lot of difficult and EVEN MORE complex problems can be IMAGINED BECAUSE OF SUCH A lack of security.

CONC:
To conclude, information technology has the power to change the world, AND THIS HAS IN FACT already started. In my opinion, it can LEAD us TO SOME OF the greatest achievements of the human race, if and only if we are ready to use it for the betterment of the world.

Advice:
1. Add a 'thesis statement' that will explain what you intend to do at the end of the intro. Begin with "This essay will...."
2. "ON THE ONE HAND" not "IN THE ONE HAND"
3. Use simple present and not present continuous in paragraph 1 ('allows' and 'helps')
4. Use linking language at the beginning of B2.

EXCELLENT IDEAS!!!
TA: 7.5 (nice ideas and examples)
G: 6.5 (easy article and number problems)
V: 6.5 (sometimes inappropriate words used)
CC: 6.0 (not enough)