IELTS General Test Task 1,Litter, Kindly some one assess it

[Imad Tareen]

Dear Johan
I am hope full that you and your family enjoying your stay in Paris, I am requesting you that I need an unpaid leave from 21st to 25th of May. My Parents want to celebrate his 50 wedding anniversary on 25th of this month with his children and grandchildren. They already have rented a big house in the beach of Ireland which accommodate all family members.
To be a part of this special occasion, I would be unable to attend the office, during these days I have very low schedule apart from two meeting with Xyz Company, during my absence Helen will take care of it, because she already attend such meeting with different client across the country, whenever I was on board with her she have relevant experiences and knowledge of such meetings.
I would be very great full to allow me for this precious moments with my family because of their prayers I am working in such esteem organization.

Best Wishes
Imad Khan

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission Imad Tareen!! Please see my rewrite below ...

Dear Johan,

I am hope full that you and your family ARE enjoying your stay in Paris. I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST SOME unpaid leave from 21st to 25th of May. My parents (no capital 'P') want to celebrate THEIR 50th/FIFTIETH wedding anniversary on THE 25th of this month with THEIR children and grandchildren. They already have rented a big house ON the beach IN Ireland which CAN accommodate all OUR family members.

To be a part of this special occasion, I WILL be unable to attend WORK. HOWEVER, during THIS TIME I DO NOT have A very BUSY schedule apart from two meetingS with Xyz Company. During my absence I HAVE ARRANGED FOR Helen TO take care of THESE MEETINGS, because she HAS already attendED such meetingS with different clientS across the country, AND whenever I was on board with her she PROVED TO have THE relevant experience and knowledge FOR such meetings.

I would be very GRATEFUL IF YOU WOULD allow me TO HAVE THESE precious moments with my family because FOR ME THIS IS REALLY A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY.

Best Wishes
Imad Khan

Advice:
1. This is quite a formal letter (to a boss, not a friend), so language like "...would like to request some" that uses MODAL VERBS will be very nice.
Always gauge the formality before beginning to write (informal, semiformal, or formal???)
2. Be VERY careful with pronouns. You should say 'their' not 'his'.
3. Be careful with the plural-S. There are a number of simple number mistakes.

TA: 6.0
G: 5.0
V: 5.5
CC: 5.0