Task 2 - shopping in large shopping centers, neg/positive. please check it! thanks

[rairaichan0115]

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping.

Is this a positive or a negative development?

In the contemporary society, the customers shopping habits have been changing from buying things in small local stores to large retails shops which are locating either in shopping centers or malls. This shopping customary changing has brought some negative impact on our society. In this essay, I will evaluate about the disadvantageous of this development. The negative aspects are twofold.

Firstly, it is an undeniable fact that our society will lose our local feature. For instance, in Australia, all the malls will have similar or identical brands stores. As the well-known brand shops are able to afford the higher rental fees. Therefore, they could operate their stores in the colossal shopping centers or malls. This makes it clear that their products are monotonous and they do not have any attributions as well as there are no differences because the customers can buy the same product in any malls. As this shows, there was the negative point of this changing behavior due to losing our local features.

Secondly, and even more importantly, this negative development has reduced the chances for small business further development. To illustrate, in Hong Kong, numerous of small and historical shops were closed within several years. Because of most of the store’s owners prefer to lease their stores to the famous brand companies as they can receive significant revenue from the rental fees. Consequently, the small local shops lost their occasions to develop their business even they have great potentials. It is obvious from that this altering shopping habit is entirely disadvantaged to our society and makes our society to become unbalanced.

In conclusion, looking at how this changing can create social inequality and lose our local features, it has been proven that this new shopping behavior has to be stopped. Furthermore, I contend that it seems highly advisable for the government to encourage our citizens to change their shopping habits.

[Mark IELTS]

Hello!

Introduction - A little long perhaps. The final sentence can be deleted.

First main paragraph - Undeniable? Really? This argument is not very clear. If all the malls offer the same products, then it will be very easy for small shops to offer alternatives. This makes the first sentence of the second main paragraph invalid.

Second main paragraph - You are assuming that small shops will not simply move to places where rents are cheaper. It's unclear what you mean by 'unbalanced'.

Overall, you use a limited range of grammatical structures and there are quite a lot of errors. Sometimes vocabulary is unclear and it is often used very generally. Arguments are weak and you assume that all people shop in the same way. (I can honestly say that I have not been to a shopping mall for months and do much of my shopping in small shops.)

I strongly recommend that you use more precise language (adverbs of frequency and degree, specify different types of people, consider small/large towns/cities, consider different kinds of shops/products).

All the best,
Mark