please review my agree disagree essay

[ali15]

Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Throughout history women have mad an excellent impression at workplace. This successful career is obvious in position like police and army. It is agreed that female must have same role as males in police and army force. This will be analyzed through social and culture prospective.

First, from culture prospective, there are some sort of jobs have to be done by ladies. For example, in the middle east, in highly security places like airports, police men are not allowed to scan women body for security check, only females can do that. This example shows that, male officers are forbidden to touch ladies body according to muslim culture. To cater this culture females should be employed to do this task. Therefore, women must work alongside men in army and police.

Second, from social viewpoint, deploying ladies in army and police will help to decrease the rate of unemployment. For instance, allowing women to join the army or police and shear same job with their males counterpart, that will create a great job opportunity, beside that it will be a rewording source of income. As this shows, given women same job as men in police or army have a positive ramifications toward society as it will reduce the numbers of jobless women and makes for the satisfying monthly salary. Thus, for these reasons females should have an equal role as men in military and police.

Following this look at how police women are highly required in some culture and how employing females in army or police would help to lower the rate of unemployment. It is clear that women have to have the same role as men in police or military. It is hoped that women are not to be discriminated and been given an equal opportunities like males in army and police.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Great question!

Great spelling mistake in the first sentence! (mad an impression)

It is agreed ...? Who by?

Very good arguments and examples in the main paragraphs. I think that you should mention why some people oppose such a move, however.

Vocabulary and grammar are good, but a wider range of grammatical structures would be better.

The conclusion needs to be more personal.

All the best,
David

[ali15]

Thank you so much sir for you comment.

"Great spelling mistake in the first sentence! (mad an impression)"
sorry that was typing mistake.

"It is agreed ...? Who by?"
i learned that " it is agreed' sound more academic that "i agreed"

"Very good arguments and examples in the main paragraphs. I think that you should mention why some people oppose such a move, however".

i also learned that once i agreed or disagreed on one side i should convince the reader about my arguments and support it with examples without mentioning any things about the other side.

thank you

[ali15]

sir i am planning to book the exam after 40 days do you think i am ready to go or i wait until im good at writing.
thank you