Please review my writing task 2

[yendo]

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?



Nowadays everyone is aware that sport plays an important role in our lives because it helps us keeping fit and healthy, as well as feeling relaxed after working or studying hours. For these reasons, many people believes that both team and individual sports should be placed in the school curriculum in order to encourage students to take up sports activities. Although introducing sports in the school curriculum may be an innovative way to implement that, it should not be done without rules and unconditionally.

First of all, the amount of time dedicated on sports should not be overlooked. Take primary schools as an example. Pupils attending this type of education usually have enough facilities they can benefit to do exercises or play with friends and as a consequence, at that age, students have enough time to learn basic principles of sport, such as sharing everything with your teammates or respecting your opponents, which are essential for the personal growth. However, the hours spent on taking up sport should be limited because children also need to develop other skills, for instance basic reading, writing, arithmetic that are relevant for their further education. Owing to these necessities, schools may integrate curriculum by adding sport competition among students on condition that, this change do not subtract hours committed for basic school subjects.

Secondly, competitions should not be negative and pupils should not see their competitors as their enemies. Any competitive sport always involve a winner and a loser and when a child wins a game, he might feel recognized and increase his self-esteem; even when he does not win, he may learn that you cannot always win and when that happens you should just congratulate your opponent. By doing this, they could understand how competition works and realise that if you try the best, you have better chances in succeeding.

In conclusion, although doing sport at school has several advantages, if we want that students could benefit of them, schools need to set some rules in order to guarantee the complete understanding of sport principles.

(341 words)

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The introduction is rather long, especially in relation to the conclusion. Similarly, the first main paragraph is much shorter than the second.

Ideas are good with some nice development. Vocabulary and grammar are good both in terms of range and accuracy.

Overall, a good essay.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?



Nowadays everyone is aware that sport plays an important role in our lives because it helps us to keep fit and healthy, as well as feel relaxed after working or studying hours. For these reasons, many people believe that both team and individual sports should be placed in the school curriculum in order to encourage students to take up sporting activities. Although including sports in the school curriculum may be an innovative way to implement that, it should not be done without rules.

First of all, the amount of time dedicated to sports should not be overlooked. Take primary schools, as an example. Pupils at this age are usually able to do exercise or play with friends and as a consequence, at that age, students have enough time to learn the basic principles of sport, such as sharing with your teammates or respecting your opponents, which are essential for personal growth. However, the hours spent on sport should be limited because children also need to develop other skills, for instance basic reading, writing, and arithmetic, that are relevant for their further education. Owing to these necessities, schools may integrate sport competitions among students on condition that this change does not detract from basic school subjects.

Secondly, competitions should not be negative and pupils should not see their competitors as their enemies. Any competitive sport always involves a winner and a loser, and when a child wins a game, he might feel recognized and increase his self-esteem; even when he does not win, he may learn that you cannot always win and when that happens, you should just congratulate your opponent. By doing this, they learn how competition works and realise that if you try your best, you have better chances in succeeding.

In conclusion, although doing sport at school has several advantages, if we want students to benefit from them, schools need to set some rules in order to guarantee the complete understanding of sporting principles.

(341 words)