please evaluate my essay

[jaggi7921]

Schools are spending more time teaching traditional subjects such as history. Some people think they should rather spend more time in teaching skills that can help students find a job. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Every school curriculum gives too much importance to traditional subjects such as history or arts and people oppose this. They believe that school should teach subjects that will assist them in taking job. I partly agree with their idea.

On the one hand, history is important because it’s give exposure to students to learn about their history or culture. After all, there is no point to developing a generation which don’t have knowledge about their own local culture. Moreover, one of the main benefit of learning history in school that students can learn some of the mistakes that their ancestor made and will try to overcome these mistakes in future and this is also known as problem-solving skill, which is greatly appreciated in today’s market. Furthermore, by learning history students get to know about some valuable information such as traditional techniques like hard-working, which is the first characteristics that every employer wants from their employees.

On the other hand, there are various reason why I think that teachers should put equal emphasis on teaching those skills that will helps students in their employment. Firstly, unemployment is increasing at very fast pace and the reason for this is that nowadays student don’t have the right job skills that every employer wants. When the school give more importance on professionals or vocational subjects, students can learn the skills required by the industry form a young age. Finally, there are very less job opportunities with the degree of history or arts as compared to others such as math or science.

In conclusion, I believe that schools should include both subjects such as history and job-oriented skills in their curriculum so that student can get benefits while they are searching for a job.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is a good essay. Your points are clear and developed. Organisation is clear with a good range of connectives used correctly. Vocabulary is also good, with some topic-specific items.

The key thing you need to work on is grammar. Range is good, but could be better. Accuracy is not so good (various reason, first characteristics).

All the best,
David

[jaggi7921]

thanks david i'll be work on that in my next essay