An essay I did prior to the one I submitted last

[Rosh]

​Question: Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day: teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Governments, whether wealthy or poor, are put in place to lead nations and this mandate comes with duties and responsibilities for basic things such as food and education. It is therefore the duty of a nation’s government to provide public services and economic stability to enhance the wealth of its nation.
The provision of public services to meet the demands for food, health, and education is the responsibility of the government of a nation. The demand for food can be met through the production, distribution and sales of goods and services. Ensuring that industries are in place such as manufacturing plants that provide raw materials, retail industries such as businesses, markets, and airports, seaports to distribute goods locally and internationally eliminates the need to depend on other nations to provide basic commodities that a nation’s government should be providing for itself.
Health and educational facilities and industries in the form of clinics, hospitals, schools, colleges, universities ensures the wellbeing of the nation’s citizens are taken care of .Illnesses can be treated promptly and health restored so that citizens can continue to work to contribute to the productivity of the society. The intellectual growth and development of individuals within a society provides an enriched society of skilled workers and professional s who can contribute to the nation’s wealth through their various areas of specialty.
The maintenance of economic stability is the duty of a nation’s government. The provision of jobs and means of job creation for skilled workers, professionals, entrepreneurs in various industries such as hotels, banks, factories, for instance, ensures that citizens can earn an income. The government through tax deductions from employed persons and businesses can generate funds to maintain industries and manage the county in general. Commerce and trade operations from imports and exports goods results in foreign currency earnings along with duty fees charged at airports all these revenues derived increases the overall economic growth of the society.
Therefore the state of a nation can be improved by equipping citizens with the knowledge, skills and resources to increase growth and productivity. It should be the mission of a nation’s government to aim to create and develop means of generating wealth for its nation and not just to settle for contributions from others.

[andytruong1202]

Strong grammar. Would be band 7+

[allen_zhang]

I would never be able to write an essay like this.
However, 400 words! How could anyone write such an essay in 40 minutes?

[saqibali]

No doubt, you have written an excellent essay and I would rate it far above 7.I will suggest you to check ryan pattern that reflects in my essay.This pattern will improve your already polished English for IELTS pattern,

I tried my best but I could not find any improvement that I could suggest.I have written my essay below and I shall be thankful if YOU or ANYONE else could help improve it.



The responsibility to take care of the poor have always been a hot debated issue. Some argue that this welfare responsibility lies on wealthy nations while the others argue that the care should be taken by the government of the poor nations themselves. Its agreed that the rich nations should extend their support to poor nations. Considering the impact of improvement in the poor nations on economy of wealthy ones as well as on strengthening of political standing of wealthy nations will prove this point.

An educated nations helps a wealthy nation more than it benefits itself. For example, yearly profit of China from exports to Pakistan is far higher than the annual profit of Pakistan itself.A well educated Pakistani national can help strengthen economy of China before he help himself or his family.A report issued by 'The NewYork times ' in 1999 clearly demonstrated that the profit, advanced world earns from developing world is far higher than the profit of developing countries themselves. Additionally, the aid provided in education programs of destitute is hundred times lower than the benefits reaped. Thus, it is clear why helping the poorer is more beneficial to rich countries.

A healthy nation give far higher return to an advanced country. For example, the education performance index of a healthy nation as well as a healthy person is always higher than any other weak nation and weak person. Brazil, although has same education infrastructure like Pakistan, perform much higher in their education performance than Pakistan.A healthy person, clearly, demonstrated better performance than a weak and diseased person. A report published by Washington post openly demonstrates that a healthy student performs better than a weak person, which in turns grows a stronger and wealthy nations.There is no other opinion that health status of any nation is the best input to have excellent results in any other area of concern. Thus, the emphasis on education can easily be understood.

After analyzing both sides its crystal clear why the advanced nations should help the poor nations. This practice, taken as responsibility will eventually strengthen wealthy nations in turn. Thus, it highly recommended that the advanced world should help the poor countries.

[allen_zhang]

The responsibility to take care of the poor have always been a hot debated issue. Some argue that this welfare responsibility lies on wealthy nations while the others argue that the care should be taken by the government of the poor nations themselves. Its agreed that the rich nations should extend their support to poor nations. Considering the impact of improvement in the poor nations on economy of wealthy ones as well as on strengthening of political standing of wealthy nations will prove this point.

An educated nations helps a wealthy nation more than it benefits itself. For example, yearly profit of China from exports to Pakistan is far higher than the annual profit of Pakistan itself.A well educated Pakistani national can help strengthen economy of China before he help himself or his family.A report issued by 'The NewYork times ' in 1999 clearly demonstrated that the profit, advanced world earns from developing world is far higher than the profit of developing countries themselves. Additionally, the aid provided in education programs of destitute is hundred times lower than the benefits reaped. Thus, it is clear why helping the poorer is more beneficial to rich countries.

A healthy nation give far higher return to an advanced country. For example, the education performance index of a healthy nation as well as a healthy person is always higher than any other weak nation and weak person. Brazil, although has same education infrastructure like Pakistan, perform much higher in their education performance than Pakistan.A healthy person, clearly, demonstrated better performance than a weak and diseased person. A report published by Washington post openly demonstrates that a healthy student performs better than a weak person, which in turns grows a stronger and wealthy nations.There is no other opinion that health status of any nation is the best input to have excellent results in any other area of concern. Thus, the emphasis on education can easily be understood.

After analyzing both sides its crystal clear why the advanced nations should help the poor nations. This practice, taken as responsibility will eventually strengthen wealthy nations in turn. Thus, it highly recommended that the advanced world should help the poor countries.

Besides all the grammatical errors, this essay is hard to be understood.
I would suggest you to pay attention to grammar and the logic of your essay.

A few grammar issues in your first paragraph:
The responsibility to take care of the poor have always been a hot debated issue.
[comment] should be has.

the care should be taken by the government of the poor nations themselves.
[comment] should be governments.

Considering the impact of improvement in the poor nations on economy of wealthy ones as well as on strengthening of political standing of wealthy nations will prove this point.
[comment] this sentence is grammatically wrong. and I do not know what you want to say.

[saqibali]

Thanks for your comment.
I will rewrite it.

[Chi]

​Question: Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day: teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Governments, whether wealthy or poor, are put in place to lead nations and this mandate comes with duties and responsibilities for basic things such as food and education. It is therefore the duty of a nation’s government to provide public services and economic stability to enhance the wealth of its nation.
The provision of public services to meet the demands for food, health, and education is the responsibility of the government of a nation. The demand for food can be met through the production, distribution and sales of goods and services. Ensuring that industries are in place such as manufacturing plants that provide raw materials, retail industries such as businesses, markets, and airports, seaports to distribute goods locally and internationally eliminates the need to depend on other nations to provide basic commodities that a nation’s government should be providing for itself.
Health and educational facilities and industries in the form of clinics, hospitals, schools, colleges, universities ensures the wellbeing of the nation’s citizens are taken care of .Illnesses can be treated promptly and health restored so that citizens can continue to work to contribute to the productivity of the society. The intellectual growth and development of individuals within a society provides an enriched society of skilled workers and professional s who can contribute to the nation’s wealth through their various areas of specialty.
The maintenance of economic stability is the duty of a nation’s government. The provision of jobs and means of job creation for skilled workers, professionals, entrepreneurs in various industries such as hotels, banks, factories, for instance, ensures that citizens can earn an income. The government through tax deductions from employed persons and businesses can generate funds to maintain industries and manage the county in general. Commerce and trade operations from imports and exports goods results in foreign currency earnings along with duty fees charged at airports all these revenues derived increases the overall economic growth of the society.
Therefore the state of a nation can be improved by equipping citizens with the knowledge, skills and resources to increase growth and productivity. It should be the mission of a nation’s government to aim to create and develop means of generating wealth for its nation and not just to settle for contributions from others.

Hi Rosh,

Your essay demonstrates your ability to write complex sentences, sometimes I think they are too complex for readers to grasp on the main idea of the sentence. There are several places where you have problems conjugating verbs.

Overall, I don't think your answer is quite convincing for me. Obviously you lean toward the idea that it is is responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves. Most of your essay is about what a government should do to take care of its citizens' well-being but you didn't give a reason why. Remember that to build schools, hospitals and factories, you need money and a poor economy is unlikely able to generate enough funds.

The government through tax deductions from employed persons and businesses can generate funds to maintain industries and manage the county in general.

It seems you are mistaken the term "tax deductions". I believe you meant "taxation". Tax deductions refer to expenses incurred in order for a person or an entity to earn an income while taxation refers to the tax system in general.

Good luck with your studies,
Chi

[Rosh]

Strong grammar. Would be band 7+

Thank you.

[Rosh]

I would never be able to write an essay like this.
However, 400 words! How could anyone write such an essay in 40 minutes?

I am sure you will,with practice you can do way better. Thanks for your feedback.

[Rosh]

I would never be able to write an essay like this.
However, 400 words! How could anyone write such an essay in 40 minutes?

I didn't count the number of words. I wasn't focusing on the number of words actually I just wanted to get the ideas across.

[Rosh]

No doubt, you have written an excellent essay and I would rate it far above 7.I will suggest you to check ryan pattern that reflects in my essay.This pattern will improve your already polished English for IELTS pattern,

I tried my best but I could not find any improvement that I could suggest.I have written my essay below and I shall be thankful if YOU or ANYONE else could help improve it.



The responsibility to take care of the poor have always been a hot debated issue. Some argue that this welfare responsibility lies on wealthy nations while the others argue that the care should be taken by the government of the poor nations themselves. Its agreed that the rich nations should extend their support to poor nations. Considering the impact of improvement in the poor nations on economy of wealthy ones as well as on strengthening of political standing of wealthy nations will prove this point.

An educated nations helps a wealthy nation more than it benefits itself. For example, yearly profit of China from exports to Pakistan is far higher than the annual profit of Pakistan itself.A well educated Pakistani national can help strengthen economy of China before he help himself or his family.A report issued by 'The NewYork times ' in 1999 clearly demonstrated that the profit, advanced world earns from developing world is far higher than the profit of developing countries themselves. Additionally, the aid provided in education programs of destitute is hundred times lower than the benefits reaped. Thus, it is clear why helping the poorer is more beneficial to rich countries.

A healthy nation give far higher return to an advanced country. For example, the education performance index of a healthy nation as well as a healthy person is always higher than any other weak nation and weak person. Brazil, although has same education infrastructure like Pakistan, perform much higher in their education performance than Pakistan.A healthy person, clearly, demonstrated better performance than a weak and diseased person. A report published by Washington post openly demonstrates that a healthy student performs better than a weak person, which in turns grows a stronger and wealthy nations.There is no other opinion that health status of any nation is the best input to have excellent results in any other area of concern. Thus, the emphasis on education can easily be understood.

After analyzing both sides its crystal clear why the advanced nations should help the poor nations. This practice, taken as responsibility will eventually strengthen wealthy nations in turn. Thus, it highly recommended that the advanced world should help the poor countries.

Hi there, thanks for your kind comments re my essay. I have been looking at Ryan's videos and I can relate to what you are saying with regards to my essay structure.
As it relates to your essay it is a bit difficult to understand. I couldn't clearly see the view points you were discussing in your supporting paragraphs. There are grammatical errors in your sentences as well. Please review the videos by Ryan about discussion essay structure. Continue to practice though like I'm doing. All the best.

[durai]

Hi Rosh,


On the positive side, You have written a good essay with very complex structures.

On the negative side, I think too many words, like what Allen said, you need to write around 275 words to fit all your points.
If you write plenty of words, examiners find it difficult to go through all single words, so, in my opinion, writing short and concise makes reader comfortable. the other thing is examiners are paid by an essay not by words. Practicing to write for the word limit is important because you may not find time to write big essay, such as if you not written any conclusion, then you lose marks for task achievement.

Regarding this essay, what I could see is the ways that poor nations can look after themselves. But, unfortunately, I didn't see anywhere about their responsibilities. To answer this question, you need to mention why they have look to after themselves, instead of asking aid from rich countries or allowing help from wealthy nations. In this regard, I guess, you little bit deviated from the topic. if you answer the question with the above complex patterns then you land in band 7 or more. For this , it looks 6 to 6.5 because of GR & A.

I welcome any comments on my response.


Durai

[andytruong1202]

Hi Rosh,


On the positive side, You have written a good essay with very complex structures.

On the negative side, I think too many words, like what Allen said, you need to write around 275 words to fit all your points.
If you write plenty of words, examiners find it difficult to go through all single words, so, in my opinion, writing short and concise makes reader comfortable. the other thing is examiners are paid by an essay not by words. Practicing to write for the word limit is important because you may not find time to write big essay, such as if you not written any conclusion, then you lose marks for task achievement.

Regarding this essay, what I could see is the ways that poor nations can look after themselves. But, unfortunately, I didn't see anywhere about their responsibilities. To answer this question, you need to mention why they have look to after themselves, instead of asking aid from rich countries or allowing help from wealthy nations. In this regard, I guess, you little bit deviated from the topic. if you answer the question with the above complex patterns then you land in band 7 or more. For this , it looks 6 to 6.5 because of GR & A.

I welcome any comments on my response.


Durai

I don't think he would get band 6 for this essay

[andytruong1202]

Hi Rosh,

Your essay demonstrates your ability to write complex sentences, sometimes I think they are too complex for readers to grasp on the main idea of the sentence. There are several places where you have problems conjugating verbs.

Overall, I don't think your answer is quite convincing for me. Obviously you lean toward the idea that it is is responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves. Most of your essay is about what a government should do to take care of its citizens' well-being but you didn't give a reason why. Remember that to build schools, hospitals and factories, you need money and a poor economy is unlikely able to generate enough funds.

The government through tax deductions from employed persons and businesses can generate funds to maintain industries and manage the county in general.

It seems you are mistaken the term "tax deductions". I believe you meant "taxation". Tax deductions refer to expenses incurred in order for a person or an entity to earn an income while taxation refers to the tax system in general.

Good luck with your studies,
Chi

I agree with your comment Chi

[Rosh]

Thanks Chi, I'll take note of your remarks. Essay writing is still a learning process for me. I hope to master it one day though.

[Rosh]

Hi Durai, thanks for your comments and suggestions. Based on all the knowledge I am acquiring as it relates to essay writing I can definitely see the weak links in this essay and even the one I submitted before. With further practice I hope to make great improvements in the future. Thanks again.