Task 2 - violent video games. Assessment appreciated

[Xterms]

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world.
What are your opinions on this?

Nowadays’ younger generation usually find entertainment in playing video games which broadcast aggression, and this is considered to correlate with the elevated crime rates all around the world. In my opinion, video games have really evolved towards violency, however, this does not explain the often seen atrocities and increasing number of criminals.

Firstly, our generation experienced the blooming of the video game industry, being the first consumers to play violency-based video games. Despite this, I do not consider the population of young adults to be more aggressive or susceptible to break the law than our ancestors, who had not been able to experience violency via computers. The increment in crime rates comparing the older generation and ours, might be explained by the development of investigation methods, criminal registration system and technological advancement among the law authorities, parallel to the improving specifics of electronic entertainment.

Secondly, the greatest susceptibility factors for crime commitment are low income and poor life circumstances, under which the impoverished population can not afford internet access or even purchase computers. Based on this, I believe that the major influence on behaviour is practiced by an individual’s closer surroundings including family and friends.

On the other hand, a child can consider a violent game character to be a role model, or think it is acceptable to break the law, since such deeds often remain unpunished in the virtual world. Despite this, a peaceful friend circle and proper education defends the personality from getting damaged and susceptible for criminal acts, as mentioned above.

In conclusion, my opinion is that although the increasing crime rates can be explained with a wide range of factors, involving technological improvement and negative influence by fellows, playing violency-based video games is not responsible for forming an aggressive and criminal behaviour.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Excellent question! I hope you've done some background research!

Oh, believe me, you are NOT the first generation to play violent video games!

Uh? I didn't really understand the rest of the first main paragraph.

I'm never convinced by these arguments that 'the poor people are the criminals'. I mean, there's an assumption there that 'they are poor, therefore they have no morals and will become criminals'. Seriously? And rich people are lovely and innocent, right?

I think that I understand the second sentence of that paragraph, but a) it doesn't connect with the first and b) there is no development whatsoever.

Sure, kids 'can' consider the game characters to be role models - but the questions asks 'Do they?' Again, you have provided no evidence. There is surprisingly little evidence to suggest that people who play these games think it's ok to break the law in real life.

Conclusion - You have not explained why you dismiss some factors and not others.

Vocabulary is (to be honest) pretty bad - defends the personality, violency-based, fellows, law authorities, susceptibility factors. Clearly, you have tried to 'throw in' some nice words, but you can't actually use them correctly.

Grammar is similarly poor with numerous errors.

All the best,
David

P.S. I di my background research! Copy and paste and enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohzJqq_m3uo