Please assess my writing task 2 and give some feedback. I will be profoundly grateful for you support.

[altinbek11]

We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company.
How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.
The issue of gender equality at workplace continues to be a controversial debate, despite the legislation that now exists in many countries. Personally, I feel that enforcing laws to employers to hire same numbers of men and women at every part of the company is not accurate and there are significant reasons.
Firstly, we have to consider that every individual is unique, and there are significant differences between men and women in many senses such as their interests, ability, and role in society so on. Furthermore, it is uncertain that every man and woman wishes to do any kind of job which is available. For instance, few women have interests in engineering or other sectors which demand physical skills or strength while only a minority of school teachers and nurses are male. If we impose this kind of laws on schools, hospitals or mining companies, where will they find the human resource to fill this gap? On the other hand, it can be possible, in some cases, to employ same numbers of male and female, but it should be implemented through the law of labour market.
Secondly, human resource experts always highlight that it is impossible to enforce this kind of regulation at companies because it would have substantial adverse effects on job productivity as well as output, and it appears to destroy fair competition within the organisations.
To conclude, men and women have to have equal right and equal opportunity in every society. However, regulations and some approaches, that try to measure gender equality at work by equal numbers of men and women, is misconceived. Political leaders and governments need to give high priority to the problem of the equal opportunity of men and women rather than equality.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Basically, this is a good essay. Points are reasonable and developed to some extent. I think that you could improve the development by looking at areas where gender balance might be improved.

Grammar and vocabulary are good enough, but there are a lot of errors.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company.
How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.

The issue of gender equality in the workplace continues to be a controversial debate, despite the legislation that now exists in many countries. Personally, I feel that enforcing laws on employers to hire the same number of men and women in every part of the company is not appropriate and there are significant reasons.

Firstly, we have to consider that every individual is unique, and there are significant differences between men and women in many senses such as their interests, ability, role in society, and so on. Furthermore, it is uncertain that every man and woman wishes to do any kind of job which is available. For instance, few women have interests in engineering or other sectors which demand physical skills or strength, while only a minority of school teachers and nurses are male. If we impose this kind of laws on schools, hospitals or mining companies, where will they find the human resource to fill this gap? On the other hand, it can be possible, in some cases, to employ the same number of males and females, but it should be implemented through the constraints of the labour market.

Secondly, human resource experts always highlight that it is impossible to enforce this kind of regulation at companies because it would have substantial adverse effects on job productivity as well as output, and it appears to destroy fair competition within organisations.

To conclude, men and women have to have equal rights and equal opportunities in every society. However, regulations and some approaches that try to measure gender equality at work by equal numbers of men and women, is misconceived. Political leaders and governments need to give high priority to the problem of equal opportunity for men and women rather than equality.