kindly assess my task 2 thanks.

[tinalongmao]

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight.
What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?


Obesity among children has been receiving an increasing attention worldwide as the next generation tends to be overweight, dragging the general health level in the future society.

An ever growing attractiveness is tempting children to eat more than they actually need. Children these days are served with more options of food. Items on their menu are not just staple food, instead, including desserts and, maybe different junk food. It is these extra energy gaining that somehow contributes to today's children's overweight. Also, food produced with all sorts of addictiveness would be more harmful, not only it makes children be obsessed but some chemical elements would prevent cells dissolving fat. Consequently, children end up with exceeding intake while accumulating more fat. And finally, today's children are not so favor of outdoors activities as children before. With technology's development, the new generation is more likely to stick with their digital devices during their leisure time, rather, running around on the playground. So the sedentary lifestyle of young children is also partly blame for children's overweight.

To deal with this issue, firstly, parents are responsible to ensure their children having a balanced diet and also children themselves should have self-restriction. Besides, sports is always a good way to have a healthy lifestyle, so, parents together with teachers should encourage children to engage in more activities outsides.

Overall, children's obesity is an urgent issue that may impose a negative impact on society thus requires a wide concern and an effective solution.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Not a bad essay, but it could easily be improved. There are two obvious starting points.

First, compare the length of the second main paragraph with the first! That clearly tells us that the solutions aspect has barely been dealt with. This is a very common problem in IELTS T2. The 'encouragement' solution is so weak!!!

Second, the conclusion doesn't contain your opinion. This immediately limits your score to 'average' at best. Combined with the previous problem, the examiner might just give you a low score.

Vocabulary and grammar are good. you have done something good that other candidates frequently do not do - used words and phrase like 'not so [in] favor of', 'more likely to', 'partly [to] blame'. This is actually the key to writing a good essay, but you haven't taken the extra step.

If not all children are affected, as you clearly (and correctly!!) suggest, then is there something more interesting going on. Why are some parents not encouraging their kids to play outside? Why are some children not constantly playing with their electronics? Answering these questions will really 'raise your game' in terms of IELTS T2.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight.
What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?


Obesity among children has been receiving an increasing amount of attention worldwide as the next generation tends to be overweight, lowering the general health level of the future society.

An ever-growing attractiveness is tempting children to eat more than they actually need. Children these days are served with more options of food. Items on their menu are not just staple foods. Instead, it includes desserts and maybe a variety of junk foods. It is these extra energy gaining that somehow contributes to today's children's overweight.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) Also, food produced with all sorts of additives are more harmful because it not only makes children obese, but some chemical elements can prevent cells dissolving fat. Consequently, children end up exceeding the recommended intake while accumulating more fat. And finally, today's children are not so in favor of outdoors activities as children before. With technology's development, the new generation is more likely to stick with their digital devices during their leisure time, rather than running around on the playground. So the sedentary lifestyle of young children is also partly blame for their unhealthy weight gain.

To deal with this issue, firstly, parents are responsible for ensuring their children have a balanced diet and also children themselves should learn self-restriction. Besides, sport is always a good way to have a healthy lifestyle, so, parents and teachers should encourage children to engage in more activities outside.

Overall, children's obesity is an urgent issue that may impose a negative impact on society, and thus requires wide concern and an effective solution.