please review my GT task 2

[DJvj]

Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other, however, believe that is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss.
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Culture plays an integral role for any community. It exhibits the local tradition and values to the visitors. While some people believe that cultural heritage should be preserved rather than making it as an attractive destination for the visitors. However, there are quite a few opponents to this idea. This essay will provide both the viewpoints before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

There are serval reasons how money would help in preserving the place. Firstly , it will create the awareness among the visitors and acquaint them to understand the history behind it. For instance, A Taj mahal in India attracts many visitors throughout the year to help them to know about the significance behind the place. Secondly , cultural places can be well maintained by imposing fees from the tourists. Lastly ,it will be easy for the management to equipped the place with the necessary safety measures for the visitors.

On the other side of the argument, it can offer few challenges as well. Firstly, Public will see the place more as an entertainment spot rather than a heritage place. This could hurt the sentiments of the community. Secondly, it will be difficult for maintain the heritage without funding. Lastly, the cultural place would lose its worthiness.

To conclude, I strongly believe that money is inevitable for preserving the cultural places. Along with it, it is the responsibility of the visitors to abide by the rules and the regulations of the place.

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Appreciate your response.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

There are plenty of good ideas in this essay, but it would be better to present fewer points and develop them more. More development is certainly needed in the second main paragraph.

Vocabulary is good, but grammatical range is limited. Less 'will' and more 'if' might be helpful.

Overall, not bad, but could easily be improved into a good essay.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other, however, believe that is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss.
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Culture plays an integral role in any community. It exhibits the local traditions and values to visitors. While some people believe that cultural heritage should be preserved rather than marketing it as an attractive destination for visitors. However, there are quite a few opponents to this idea. This essay will provide discuss both viewpoints before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

There are several reasons why money would help in preserving the place. Firstly, it will create awareness among the visitors and help them to understand the history behind the culture. For instance, Taj Mahal in India attracts many visitors throughout the year and helps them to learn about the significance behind the place. Secondly, cultural places can be well maintained by setting fees for entrance. Lastly, it will be easy for the management to equip the place with the necessary safety measures to protect visitors.

On the other side of the argument, it can offer few challenges as well. Firstly, the public will see the place more as an entertainment spot rather than a place of historical significance. This could hurt the sentiments of the community. Secondly, it will be difficult to maintain the heritage without funding. Lastly, the cultural place would lose its worthiness.(<--How and why? Has the Taj Mahal lost its importance?)

To conclude, I strongly believe that money is essential for preserving cultural places. Along with this, it is the responsibility of the visitors to abide by the rules and the regulations of the place.

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Appreciate your response.