Please help to assess this letter.

[allen_zhang]

You are looking for a part-time job. Write a letter to an employment agency. In your letter: introduce yourself, explain what sort of job you would like, and say what experience and skills you have.
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Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to seek for a part-time job as an IELTS teacher.

I am 28 years old and currently working for the Stone River primary school as a full-time English teacher. I have been working here for more than 5 years since I got my master degree on English literature. Last September, I took my first IELTS examination and I scored 8, which I believe is a very good score as a non-native speaker. I think this certification from British Council can make me qualified for an IELTS teacher.

Although I am having a full-time job now, my schedule is not so tight. So I hope to find a job to teach evening or weekend classes for IELTS exam takers. Meanwhile, since my English speaking skill is excellent and I have very good British accent, I prefer to teach IELTS speaking classes.

If you have such kind of job positions, please try to recommend me.

I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours faithfully,

Allen Zhang

[chaiguy]

Dear Sir or Madam, (Add a space here to separate your introduction and your first sentence...)

I am writing to seek for a part-time job as an IELTS teacher.

I am 28 years old and currently working for the (<<< remove this 'the') Stone River Primary School (which city/town is this school based in?) as a full-time English teacher. I have been working here for over five years after receiving my master's degree in English literature. Last September, I took my first IELTS examination where I scored an 8, which I believe is a very good score for a non-native speaker. I believe this certification from the British Council makes me qualified for a career as an IELTS teacher.

Although I currently have a full-time job now <<< remove this 'now'), my current schedule is very flexible. So (<<< remove this 'So') I hope to find a job where I can teach evening or weekend classes for IELTS exam takers. Furthermore, since my English speaking skills are excellent and I have a very good British accent, I believe I would be perfect for the role.

If you have any job positions available, I would absolutely love to hear from you.

I look forward to receiving your reply.

Yours faithfully,

Allen Zhang

A very good letter overall. I had to touch up a few phrases here and there, but your English was generally very good.

Good luck with your application!

[allen_zhang]

Hi Chaiguy,

Many thanks for your correction!

You are indeed very professional! I find my weakness from your comments. As a non-native speaker, I always have problems with artcles and prepositions. I'll try to improve it.

Regarding this letter, it's just a practice for my IELTS test. I am not an English teacher and I didn't get an 8. The reason I chose to talk about English teacher is because I can come up with some "good" vocabulary.

BR!
Allen

[Ryan]

Thank you for the grammar cleanup, chaiguy.

Hi Allen,

Your letter structure looks quite good. A couple of quick areas in need of improvement that I would like to point out to you:

1) Try to demonstrate your vocabulary whenever possible. Using phrases like "which is a very good score" and "my schedule is not so tight" are overly simple. Try "which is a formidable score" or "my schedule is flexible".

2) Please note the few prepositions chaiguy altered. There are some awkward wordings in the original.

3) It looks as though most sentences contain some form of grammatical issue. Please push yourself to note chaiguy's alterations.

I don't think you could score band 7 with this demonstration. There were several areas that fit the band 6 descriptions from the descriptors chart accurately. My guess is that this piece would receive band 6 on the exam.

Good luck,
Ryan

[Ryan]

Regarding this letter, it's just a practice for my IELTS test. I am not an English teacher and I didn't get an 8. The reason I chose to talk about English teacher is because I can come up with some "good" vocabulary.

Allen

That's a good strategy to follow. Tailor the response to areas you know (within reason of course; you need to ensure the response still answers the question directly).

Just a thought, I would avoid using the IELTS as an example in any sort of writing. Of course, you would never lose marks for doing so, but I just worry that perhaps some examiner somewhere will think it's mildly inappropriate.