hi, kindly review my essay, thank you

[KenAdelaide]

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere.
To what extent do you agree with this view?
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Art galleries in are often visited by high numbers of tourists, and the expenditure on maintenance is usually paid by the local government. There exist amongst certain people opinions that the money should be spent on other areas, such as education and social security, rather than wasting it on the arts. On the other hand, those who disagree with this idea claim that spending money on the arts could benefit the economic development of a city

Politicians, some not all, suggest that funding educational facilities is more necessary. They argue that education is more important than the arts because well-educated young people are considered to be the most significant asset of a country. Unfortunately, there are a substantial number of Chinese families living in rural areas who can not afford their children’s primary education.

In addition, enhancing social security system is indeed required by a considerable number of local residents in China. The fierce competition and population explosion in China have led to a high rate of unemployment. At present, those who are not able to find a job could only receive very little money from the government, and some of them are homeless and starving on the street.

However, the arts play a vital role in the development of tourism, and they boost the economy in a city. Places, such as art museums, contribute tremendously to the income of the local transport industries, restaurants and other businesses by attracting thousands of visitors.

In conclusion, certainly the arts are an essential part of all cultures and they help a city develop economically. Despite this, the money spent on the arts by the Chinese government could be better used to help solve other more serious issues, including educating the poor and improving social security network.Those measures could save thousands of lives and bring a brighter future for poor young Chinese children.

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thank you for your comments and suggestions

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I think that this is generally a reasonable essay, but we can see that the main paragraphs are shorter than the introduction and conclusion, indicating that the main ideas are not well developed.

Vocabulary is generally quite simple, though this is not always a problem - you can certainly get a good score only using simple vocab. However, we can also see that you have 'thrown in' some words/phrases that need explaining. Unfortunately for you, I have lived in China, so I'm wondering where all these starving people are? Primary education is (supposed to be) paid for by the government, so if it isn't you need to explain why.

As for 'fierce' competition, I'm not convinced (I found Chinese people like to TALK about competition, but when it comes to actually competing in terms of price/service/ability, they suddenly lose interest ...), and the population explosion has ended so some more explanation is needed there.

Sometimes phrasing changes the meaning. How are the local residents going to change the social security system? I think you mean that the government should change it for them.

Do art museums really contribute 'tremendously' to the Chinese economy? Really?

Overall, plenty of scope for improvement, but you do have the basis for a solid essay.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere.
To what extent do you agree with this view?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Art galleries are often visited by high numbers of tourists, and the expenditure on maintenance is usually paid by the local government. There exist amongst certain people opinions that the money should be spent on other areas, such as education and social security, rather than wasting it on the arts. On the other hand, those who disagree with this idea claim that spending money on the arts could benefit the economic development of a city.

Some politicians suggest that funding educational facilities is essential. They argue that education is more important than the arts because well-educated young people are considered to be the most significant asset of a country. Unfortunately, there are a substantial number of Chinese families living in rural areas who can not afford their children’s primary education.

In addition, enhancing the social security system is indeed required by a considerable number of local residents in China. The fierce competition and population explosion in China have led to a high rate of unemployment. At present, those who are not able to find a job receive very little money from the government, and some of them are homeless and starving on the street.

However, the arts play a vital role in the development of tourism, which boosts the economy of a city. Places such as art museums contribute tremendously to the income of the local transport industries, restaurants and other businesses by attracting thousands of visitors.

In conclusion, certainly the arts are an essential part of all cultures and they help a city develop economically. Despite this, the money spent on the arts by the Chinese government could be better used to help solve other more serious issues, including educating the poor and improving the social security network. Those measures could save thousands of lives and bring a brighter future for poor young Chinese children.