Kindely, evaluate my GT writing - task 2

[ysaddiq]

Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?


Recently, most students in developed countries work to pay tuition of their university fees. Working while studying has major negative consequences to the students performance on gaining good grades. in a result, this will lead into less effective employees for the nation’s industry. in this essay, i will talk about the cause of this issue and what are the effective solutions for it.

On the first hand, I strongly believe the main cause of why students work for their university tuitions is the high increase of the tuition itself. Nowadays, universities require yearly pre-payment of the whole fees. In a result, universities financial requirement puts the students in a pressure to find an income source. Thus, the nation companies will strive to find highly effective employee to thrive.

On the other hand, to overcome this issue the government should give more support to universities by decreasing the tuition fees or develop a new creative payment system. For example, a university should deduct a small percentage of a student when he/she get hired after graduation. As a result, this will lead into a more effective employee that can change or improve the nation economic. the bottom line government and universities should deeply and transparently work together to find creative solutions for this matter.

In conclusion, requiring students to pre-pay for their education leads into damaging consequences to the economic of a nation. Creative payment solutions must be acquired to find a permanent fix for this issue. its recommended for the above reason that simplifying payment method of educational fees will lead into a better economic state.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Very often, candidates only look at an issue (or aspect of an issue) from one viewpoint. Do all university students pay their own fees? Parents? Scholarships?

In countries where students pay, there isn't generally a lack of good employees, e.g. USA, UK.

If the universities have to wait until years later to get their fees, how will that affect investment in universities?

You talk about 'creative' solutions, but offer none. This is a great weakness in the essay.

Ideas are limited and undeveloped. Ideas are not clear. Vocabulary is not used to create a good argument. Grammatical accuracy is high (suspicious) but range is limited, e.g. a lack of conditional sentences.

All the best,
David

[ysaddiq]

Hello!

Very often, candidates only look at an issue (or aspect of an issue) from one viewpoint. Do all university students pay their own fees? Parents? Scholarships?

In countries where students pay, there isn't generally a lack of good employees, e.g. USA, UK.

If the universities have to wait until years later to get their fees, how will that affect investment in universities?

You talk about 'creative' solutions, but offer none. This is a great weakness in the essay.

Ideas are limited and undeveloped. Ideas are not clear. Vocabulary is not used to create a good argument. Grammatical accuracy is high (suspicious) but range is limited, e.g. a lack of conditional sentences.

All the best,
David

Thank You David for your evaluation.
i will take all your points into consideration and will study harder to improve my writing.

Thank You,
Yahya