Kindly assess my writing. Thankyou

[Dr.Khurram]

Some people think it is better to give donations to local charitable organizations,
while others choose to give to national or international bodies. Discuss both views
and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.


In the contemporary society different charity run institutions are playing cardinal role in ameliorating problems, faced by different facets of societies. Many commentators opine that it is comparatively more prudent to support local organizations, while other analysts assert that national and international institutions are more reliable in term of understanding and solving populace problems. I strongly agree with later approach.

Firstly, renowned national and international charitable organizations have a systematic way of disbursing funds, that they collect from people, and also they are more reliable and trust worthy as far as monetary matters are concerned, especially because of their strict and crystal clear policies. In U.S.A, for instance organizations like helping hand collect millions of dollars from masses and subsequently use this amount frugally on most pressing issues to amend the suffering of people in different poverty stricken African nations. Thus, in this light, it is understandable why people trust these organizations with their donations.


On the other hand, some people assert that local bodies have more clear insight about different problems faced by communities and also proponents opine that it is logical to support organizations which are working to rectify the problems of local impoverished families instead of people from some other parts of world . For instance, Edhi foundation in Pakistan, receives a copious amount of charity from populace every year, because of its commendable contribution towards serving locals. So, it can be inferred from aforementioned arguments that these local organizations are also playing their part to alleviate the different crisis faced by people.

To recapitulate, although there are arguments on both sides, I am in accord with the verdict that the merits of funding national and international institutions clearly outweigh the local bodies.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Everything went quite well until the conclusion!

Apart from conclusion, you have provided good examples and supporting evidence for your arguments. Everything is clear, with very good grammar and vocabulary, both in terms of range and accuracy. The only thing missing, unfortunately, was any suggestion that giving to these organisations might be a bad thing (e.g. if they misuse the money).

Then in the conclusion, you make the massive error of going with one side over the other without explaining why that one is better!!! Ouch!

So, a good essay became a mediocre one. However, correct these two (fundamental) errors and you'll have a great essay!

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people think it is better to give donations to local charitable organizations,
while others choose to give to national or international bodies. Discuss both views
and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.


In contemporary society, various charities are playing a key role in ameliorating problems faced by different facets of societies. Many commentators opine that it is comparatively more prudent to support local organizations, while other analysts assert that national and international institutions are more reliable in term of understanding and solving populace problems. I strongly agree with the latter approach.

Firstly, renowned national and international charitable organizations have a systematic way of disbursing the funds that they collect from people, and they are also more reliable and trustworthy as far as monetary matters are concerned, especially because of their strict and crystal-clear policies. In the U.S.A, for instance, organizations like Helping Hand collect millions of dollars from citizens and subsequently use this amount frugally on the most pressing issues to ease the suffering of people in poverty-stricken African nations. Thus, in this light, it is understandable why people trust these organizations with their donations.


On the other hand, some people assert that local bodies have more clear insight about different problems faced by communities, and proponents also opine that it is logical to support organizations which are working to rectify the problems of local impoverished families instead of people from some other parts of the world. For instance, Edhi foundation in Pakistan receives a copious amount of charity from the populace every year because of its commendable contribution towards serving locals. So, it can be inferred from the aforementioned arguments that these local organizations are also playing their part to alleviate the different crises(<--Note: 'crisis' is singular, 'crises' is plural.) faced by people.

To recapitulate, although there are arguments on both sides, I am in accord with the verdict that the merits of funding national and international institutions clearly outweigh the local bodies.