Please evaluate my IELTS writing task-2

[Shawan Chowdhury]

Q: It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

This is predominantly believed that the behavior of a child depends on which types of acts they receive from their closed ones, including friends, relatives and most importantly from family members. However, there are huge numbers of people who consider penance as a source of the solution in terms of the negative behavior from the adolescents. Though, I strongly dispute this fact, and I personally believe that punishing someone all the time can never be a solution of anything.

Learning begins at home. The behavior of children mostly depends on how they are treated at their home, which type of relationships are there in between other family members and how other family members accept the creativity of the respective adolescents. Additionally, in city areas, the number of playfields is declining drastically and this is why, children mostly stay at home rather playing with their friends. For instance, in Dhaka city there are hardly few open areas in which children can play. This is how, it is very important to keep in mind that this is the duty of family members to assure the mental development of their child.

On the other hand, punishment of a child is not a proper way to help them learn the differences between good or bad. Research shows, to all ages, punishment affects directly to the mental growth. Apart from that, being punished by other family members will accelerate their mental stresses and will significantly increase their distance with them. This is why, a child in their early stages, should never be punished, but the closed ones should help the adolescent to learn everything practically.

In conclusion, it is the duty of the elderly people to help children to learn which are to abide by and which are to dispute. A rough handling can hinder their mental growth and almost devastate the foremost career of the children. This is because, I am inclined to believe that every adolescent should learn essential topic practically, not by punishments.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I'm afraid I think you are guilty of thinking about this topic in a very simple way.

Introduction - Relatives are family members! Penance and punishment are not exactly the same thing.

First main paragraph - No mention of school and barely a mention of friends in how kids develop. A missed opportunity there!

Second main paragraph - You'll have to provide support for the argument that punishment affects mental growth. And how punishment creates distance between family members.

Conclusion - You suddenly brought in 'the elderly' and not explained why. Practically, not by punishment? What do you mean?

Overall, most of the essay is unclear, mainly due to poor development and lack of supporting evidence. Ideas are very general and may or may not be true. Vocabulary must be considered weak, because meaning is unclear.

All the best,
David

[Shawan Chowdhury]

Hello David,

Thanks a lot for your time and helpful reply.

Regards,
Shawan.

[Flick]

Q: It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is predominantly believed that the behavior of a child depends on the behavior of their loved ones, including friends, relatives and most importantly, family members. However, there are huge numbers of people who consider punishment as the solution in terms of preventing negative behavior in adolescents. I strongly dispute this fact, and I personally believe that punishing someone all the time can never be a solution to anything.

Learning begins at home. The behavior of children mostly depends on how they are treated at home, the type of relationship they have with other family members and how other family members accept the creativity of the respective adolescents. Additionally, in city areas, the number of play fields is declining drastically, and this is why children mostly stay at home rather playing with their friends. For instance, in Dhaka city there are very few open areas in which children can play. This shows that it is very important to keep in mind that it is the duty of family members to assure the mental development of their child.

On the other hand, punishment of a child is not an effective way to help them learn the differences between good and bad. Research shows for all ages, punishment directly affects mental growth. Apart from that, being punished by other family members will accelerate their mental stresses and will significantly increase the distance between family members. This is why a child in their early stages should never be punished. Instead, loved ones should help the adolescent to learn everything practically.

In conclusion, it is the duty of the older family members to help children to learn the difference between right and wrong. A rough handling can hinder their mental growth and devastate the future career of the children. I am inclined to believe that every adolescent should learn essential topic practically, not through punishments.