Please What would I score on this Task 2 ,feedback plz

[Nora]

Some people believe that children are giving too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work.
How do you think children should spend their free time?

The matter of the how the young ones should utilized their leisure time is highly debatable. This may be due the fact that most parents are looking to achieve maximum effective educational strategies to apply on their children. It is believed that children should be given the freedom of a choice to interact with their peers and practice their hobbies during their break time. This is crucial for the development of their social skills as well as the discovery of their potential talents.

An essential way where youngsters should utilize their free time, is participating with their peers on social group activities such as throwing birthday parties or playing in parks. This is not only important for developing their team work skills, but also their communication and interpersonal abilities. For example, recent studies have been conducted by the pediatric department at St George Hospital, revealed that children who are isolated have a higher chance of 40% to exhibit poor social skills long-term comparing with other children who are actively social. Thus, it is obvious that social activities play a fundamental role in the youngsters’ development.

Another beneficial activity is that children should invest their extra time on practicing their favorite hobbies. This would give them the opportunity to learn about their own tendencies and potentials. For instance, in Japan, School children are given free style classes every week where they can practice a preferred type of music or sport such as musical instrument. This is to encourage them to discover their talents. As a result, a remarkable number of prodigies have been discovered. It is therefore, critical for the young ones to employ their leisure time training on their hobbies.

In conclusion, after analyzing how the social interaction as well as the free style practice can both develop children’s abilities. It is believed that youngsters should not be strictly limited to their school education work but rather encouraged to experience different aspects of life.

[haritha208]

There are many grammatical mistakes found as per me .For example "should utilized " ,you can replace it with should utilize or to be utilized.
There should not any capital letters after comma.

You could get 6 band for this.

[durai]

The matter of the( remove "the") how the( remove "the") young ones should utilize("d ")their leisure time is (a)(remove "highly") debatable(issue). This may be due the fact that most parents are looking to achieve maximum effective educational strategies( wordings are not good) to apply on their children. It is believed that children should be given (remove "the") freedom of (a, unnecessary) choice to interact with their peers and practice their hobbies during their break time. (As,this) is crucial for the development of their social skills as well as the discovery of their potential talents.

(An)The essential way ("where", doesn't make sense) (that)youngsters should utilize their free time,(why comma) is participating with their peers on social group activities such as (throwing, remove it) birthday parties or playing in (the)parks. This is not only (important for developing)develops their team work skills, but also their communication and interpersonal abilities. For example, recent studies have been conducted by the pediatric department at St George Hospital, revealed that children who are isolated have a higher("high") chance of 40% to exhibit poor social skills long-term comparing with other children who are actively social. this sentence is wrongly structured, consider rewording)Thus, it is obvious that social activities play a fundamental role in the youngsters’ development.

Another beneficial activity is that children should invest their extra time on practicing their favorite hobbies. This would give them the opportunity to learn about their own tendencies and potentials. For instance, in Japan, S(s)chool children are given free style ( style ?)classes every week where they can practice a preferred type of music or sport such as musical instrument ( wrong comparison). This is to encourage them to discover their talents. As a result, a remarkable number of prodigies have been discovered. It is therefore, critical for the young ones to employ their leisure time (training) on their (interest of )hobbies.

In conclusion, after analyzing how the social interaction as well as the free (style) practice can both develop children’s abilities. It is believed that youngsters should not be strictly limited to their school education work but rather encouraged to experience different aspects of life.


grammar errors are visible , coherence lacks at times, poor word choice, but task response is related and explained.

Looks like band 5.5 to 6.



Durai

[Nora]

Thanks for your feedback not sure how I can improve my writing skills in one day !! My test is on the 5th of April !!!

[durai]

Hi Nora,

if your target is band 6, then you may get it, but if you need band 7, then definitely you need to work.

for band 6,

keep four paragraphs,
Intro, SP1, SP2, conclusions

SP1: TOPIC SENTENCE, THEN EXPLAIN WHY YOU THINK SO, GIVE EXAMPLE, THEN CONCLUDE PARAGRAPH WITH YOUR TOPIC SENTENCE.

SIMILARLY FOR SP2.

conclusion , just repeat your introduction with different words.

as I see your grammatical structure lacks clarity, try with simple sentences, you may not get band 6 for grammar , it gives more task response and coherence mark, because simple sentences are quite easy to understand, so basically, you giving out your mark on grammar part but gaining through TR and CC.

that's my suggestion, anyway its up to you.

Good luck;

Durai

[Nora]

Well i'll need 7 for the General IELTS any tips