Kindly assess my essay. I want to achieve band 8 in writing. Thank-you.

[Dr.Khurram]

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?


These days many fathers prefer to look after their children by staying at home instead of doing jobs and female partners take up the role of breadwinner for the family. Many commentators are of the view that this is negative development while other analysts argue it is beneficial, both for society as a whole and families. I strongly agree with latter approach.
There are numerous reasons for this change in roles among spouses. Firstly, in the last few decades, the idea of house-husbands has become more socially acceptable so more and more males taking up responsibilities of domestic chores. Secondly, sometimes wives have more paying jobs or have higher education than their husbands, so, for the betterment of the whole family they spend their time at workplace while stay-at-home dad takes care of children. Thus aforementioned reasons are responsible for the change in stereotype that women should stay at home while husbands earn living for the family.
On the other hand, many people assert that this change in social convention is beneficial in multiple ways. Firstly, due to recession in many countries, it is prudent that partner with high earning job should earn while other one look after the children as permanent attention from one of the parent is cardinal for well-being and development of children. For instance, a survey done in Norway showed that families in which female are indulged in different jobs and male took up the role of house husbands are more financially stable than average Norwegian nuclear family.
To recapitulate, In the light of above-mentioned arguments, I am in accord with the verdict that this is a positive development.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a reasonable essay. I think that you could have developed the points more, perhaps by pointing out why some people dislike/disagree with this. If you look at the two main paragraphs, they are essentially making the same point, so there is some repetition. Moreover, I think that you missed the increasingly common practice of working from home.

Vocabulary and grammar are generally good and you have used a good range of connectives correctly.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?


These days, many fathers prefer to look after their children by staying at home instead of working, while their female partners take up the role of breadwinner for the family. Many commentators are of the view that this is a negative development while other analysts argue it is beneficial, both for society as a whole and families. I strongly agree with the latter opinion.

There are numerous reasons for this change in roles between spouses. Firstly, in the last few decades, the idea of house-husbands has become more socially acceptable so more and more males are taking up the responsibilities of domestic chores. Secondly, sometimes wives have better paying jobs or have higher education than their husbands, so, for the betterment of the whole family, they spend their time at the workplace while stay-at-home dad takes care of the children. These aforementioned reasons are responsible for the change in stereotype that women should stay at home while husbands earn a living for the family.

On the other hand, many people assert that this change in social convention is beneficial in multiple ways. Firstly, due to recession in many countries, it is prudent that the partner with the high earning job should earn while the other one looks after the children, as permanent attention from one of the parents is cardinal for well-being and development of children. For instance, a survey done in Norway showed that families in which females work various jobs and males took up the role of house husbands are more financially stable than the average Norwegian nuclear family.

To recapitulate, in the light of the above-mentioned arguments, I am in accord with the verdict that this is a positive development.