GT Task 1 - Is this letter very distant from to a 7? My exam is on July 16th and I'm trying to improve my essays.

[vitor.rmachado]

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Question:
You are working for a company. You need to take some time off work and
want to ask your manager about this.

Write a letter to your manager. In this letter:
- Explain why you want to take time off;
- Give details of the amount of time you will need;
- Suggest how your work could be covered while you are away.
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Dear Mr. Robinson,
I am writing this letter to make a formal request for a time off of my work. My name is Vitor Machado and I have been working for this company for the last five years. I never had to ask for a time off, however, I have to ask for it now, due to personal reasons.
My brother lives in Dubai, and he suffered a car accident last week. He fractured his tibia and ankle in this accident, and he had to be admitted to hospital immediately. I need to take this time off to visit him and to see his situation.
I will need around two weeks off. It is a 3 days flight from here to Dubai, hence I will need 6 days to go to Dubai and to come back, plus 7 days to stay with him. A surgery is required in order to fix his bones, therefore I am thinking about staying there until he get recovered.
I explained my situation to Rob, the employee who sit beside me at work, and he agreed to cover me during the period in which I will be away, therefore my absence will not be a preoccupation.
Please, write me back at the earliest convenience with an answer to my request because I have to buy the flight tickets with 1 business day in advance.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
Vitor Machado.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is a very good letter. 'Preoccupation' is incorrect, but there are examples of high-level vocabulary used correctly, e.g. tibia. The organisation is very clear and sentences are logically ordered. Grammatical range and accuracy are high. All the points are covered, though I thought the final one could be more developed. Perhaps mention some specific work/project?

Well done!
David

[Flick]

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Question:
You are working for a company. You need to take some time off work and
want to ask your manager about this.

Write a letter to your manager. In this letter:
- Explain why you want to take time off;
- Give details of the amount of time you will need;
- Suggest how your work could be covered while you are away.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Robinson,

I am writing this letter to make a formal request for some time off work. My name is Vitor Machado and I have been working for this company for the last five years. I have never had to ask for time off, however, I have to ask for it now due to personal reasons.

My brother lives in Dubai, and he suffered a car accident last week. He fractured his tibia and ankle in this accident, and he had to be admitted to hospital immediately. I need to take this time off to visit him and to see his situation.
I will need around two weeks off. It is a 3 day flight from here to Dubai, hence I will need 6 days to go to Dubai and to come back, plus 7 days to stay with him. A surgery is required in order to fix his bones, therefore I am thinking about staying there until he is recovered.

I have explained my situation to Rob, the employee who sits beside me at work, and he agreed to cover me during the period in which I will be away, therefore my absence will not be an issue.

Please, write me back at the earliest convenience with an answer to my request because I have to buy the flight tickets with 1 business day in advance.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
Vitor Machado.