Please review my writing task 2 and grade it to elucidate my position.

[girish sai]

Hi,

I am GIRISH SAI. I am going to write IELTS IDP exam on june 4, 2016. The following text below this mail is the writing passage with question. Hence, I request you to please help me in understanding my mistakes and rectify them for better scoring. Eagerly waiting for reply. Thank you.


In most countries, MNCs and their products are becoming more and more important. This trend is seriously damaging our quality of life.

Do you agree or disagree?

Answer
Multi-national companies are the creators of new products. Whatever we see in the market like smart phone, air conditioner, automobiles and so on are being provided by these companies as they have huge investment and numerous experimentation facilities. Hence, in my perspective, multi-national companies are beneficial to people.
Automobiles were invented prior world war-II. The industrial evolution had modified technology in vehicles and at last, it had lead to release of greenhouse gases from vehicles. But a company called Reva, for example, have been releasing electrified cars which does not run on fossil fuel rather they are powered with electrical energy. Hence, it infers that MNCs are already aware of the consequences of using fossil fuels and they are focusing on to change the trend, which in turn ameliorates the quality of life.
Software companies like google and Microsoft have been innovating and designing new softwares for acute use. For example, google had coined the search engine called http://www.google.com from which any information can be obtained with minimal effort.
In pharmaceutical industries, technology is changing dramatically to satisfy environment, health and safety compliances. If the facility is eco-friendly, safe and produce medicines successfully, then, it does not abrupt the quality of life, rather, increases it. For example, new companies which are being established in pharma field are preferring automation, as it can optimize parameters of equipments so as to attain finished products which less precipitated and solvents.
Therefore, every multi-national company is rigorously concentrating on welfare of people by providing or updating their products. Therefore, it cannot be exhilarated that these world-wide established companies are causing treacherous situations for human existence rather it can be justifies that MNCs are trying to mitigate the cause of present technology.

Words:287

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

In the first main paragraph, change 'releasing' to 'producing'.

The second main paragraph is much too short.

The conclusion is not justified. To claim that the recent VW emissions lies or the Union Carbide / Bhopal disaster somehow benefit people is, quite frankly, laughable.

Basically, you haven't looked at both sides of the argument and only painted a rosy picture of MNCs.

Vocabulary and grammar are good, but not used to formulate a reasoned argument.

All the best,
David

[girish sai]

Can we write an essay describing for and against the topic?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Yes!

[Flick]

In most countries, MNCs and their products are becoming more and more important. This trend is seriously damaging our quality of life.

Do you agree or disagree?

Answer
Multi-national companies are the creators of new products. Whatever we see in the market, like smart phones, air conditioners, automobiles and so on, are being made by these companies as they have huge investment and many research and development facilities. Hence, in my perspective, multi-national companies are beneficial to people.

Automobiles were invented prior to World War II. The industrial evolution has modified technology in vehicles and at last, it has lead to the release of greenhouse gases from vehicles. But a company called Reva, for example, has been producing electric cars which do not run on fossil fuel. Rather, they are powered by electrical energy. Hence, this infers that MNCs are already aware of the consequences of using fossil fuels and they are focusing on changing this trend, which in turn ameliorates our quality of life.

Software companies like Google and Microsoft have been innovating and designing new software for everyday use. For example, Google coined the search engine, http://www.google.com, from which any information can be obtained with minimal effort.

In pharmaceutical industries, technology is changing dramatically to satisfy environmental and health and safety standards. If the facility is eco-friendly, safe and produces medicines successfully, then it does not disrupt the quality of life, rather, it improves it. For example, new companies which are being established in the pharma field are favoring automation, as it can optimize parameters of equipment so as to attain finished products with fewer waste products.

Therefore, every multi-national company is rigorously concentrating on the welfare of people by providing or updating their products. Therefore, it cannot be expected that these world-wide established companies are causing treacherous situations for human existence. Rather, it can be justified that MNCs are trying to mitigate the negative impacts of present technology.

Words:287