Academic writing 2 correct adn grade please

[czary]

In the past, most people spent their whole lives in the same village or small town, where all the residents knew each other. Nowadays, many people move to a different place, where they don’t know anyone.
What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?

The world is changing. The life is going faster. The people, who born and died in the same place went to the past. Our grandparents and parents knew people in their villages, small towns or neighbourhoods. We do not know anyone even in our closest proximity or our block of flats. We are starting to live in anonymous world.

Looking for a better job, for instance, we move houses and travel to the end of the world. Where we work for such a short time, we could not meet and familiar anybody. And for another better job we move again and again. We are focused on our job thus we have not got time to meet anybody and make friends. Our live is interesting and fast. We travel all over the world, learning new languages, discover new cultures but our life is anonymous for the others. We have not close friends. Our world is not as secure as in the past.

Nevertheless the life went slower in the past. Most people could work all their life in the same manufactures or offices and live in the same place where their born. They had friends from a school and met each other frequently. They knew who was born or who died and who got married or who is new in their community. Houses or flats could be unlocked because the neighbour was very near. Life was easier, more secure but instead more boring. There were more gossips, and keeping something in secret was the most difficult work. Everyone knew everything about anyone.

In conclusion, both: past and nowadays have their advantages and disadvantages. We got something for something else, secure life for adventure, gossip for anonymity, knowing people for meeting people.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - "We do not know anybody in our closest proximity ..." Wrong! I do!

"We are starting to live in [an] anonymous world." Maybe you are. I meet my friends most evenings and my work colleagues most days.

First main paragraph - Well, I live far away from my country, but most people I know do not.

"We could not meet ... anybody." This seems to be your personal problem rather than a problem affecting people generally.

In yuor next sentence, you say that we travel and learn about new cultures, but how do we do that without meeting people? This is extremely confusing!

Second main paragraph - Many people still live like that. "Everyone knoew everything about everyone." WOW!!!

I just find this essay hard to understand. The points are almost all demonstrably false, based (possibly) on a single individual experience rather than with reference to the majority of people around the world.

Grammar is incredibly limited in range, with modals virtually non-existent and conditionals missing.

Vocabulary is good, but not used to create a cohesive arguement.

All the best,
David