Task 2,,Kindly evaluate my essay.

[supriya]

Please evaluate my essay as early as possible and rectify the mistakes since my exams are approaching near.I am posting this essay so that I could improve my writing skills.

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage.

In today's world, learning a new language is being given a lot of priority.Teaching foreign languages in primary schools embodies this idea perfectly.It is agreed that learning foreign languages at primary schools will be beneficial for their future studies and career. This is because, children's learning skills are more enhanced and they have more time to dedicate to learning a new language. The following points will be analysed below.
Firstly,young children pickup language much more easily than adolscents.For example some Asian countries like India,Pakistan and China have started teaching foreign languages like English at primary schools which show a great improvement.Youngsters’ brains are still programmed to acquire their mother tongue,which facilitates them to learn other foreign languages which is unlike with adolscents.Thus, this makes it clear why foreign language is indespensible to learn at primary school.
Secondly,it is felt that learning foreign language at primary schools will be beneficial for their future studies.For instance,at primary schools they have a regular routine of flexible time table,frequent to the things,which they are learning within a short session.Children adopt easily to their culture and they can have a better understanding.It is of no surprise that the minors can better learn at primary schools though adolcents are invariably busy with their other works.From this, it becomes evident that commencing to learn a foreign language at primary level will be beneficial to yearn for their better future.
To summarize,it is believed that the theory of teaching foreign language at primary school is rewarding.So the young childrens’ innate abilities should be harnessed to make these benefits more achievable.

[durai]

hi Supriya, I find sometime to look at your essay, though I an not an assessor, but I can give some comments

In today's world, learning a new language is being given a lot of priority.Teaching foreign languages in primary schools embodies this idea perfectly.It is agreed that learning foreign languages at primary schools will be beneficial for their future studies and career. This is because, children's learning skills are more enhanced and they have more time to dedicate to learning a new language. The( These) following points will be analysed below.( in the following passages)

Firstly,young children pickup language much more easily than adolscents.( check spelling)For example some Asian countries like India,Pakistan and China have started teaching foreign languages like English at primary schools which show a great improvement.Youngsters’ brains ( cannot be plural) are still programmed to acquire their mother tongue,which facilitates them to learn other foreign languages which is unlike with adolscents.( check spelling)Thus, this makes it clear why foreign language is indespensible( spelling) to learn at primary school. ( good paragraph with central topic, but must be compared to secondary school students instead of adolescents, because question doesn't called for it, examiner consider off topic )

Secondly,it is felt that learning foreign language at primary schools will be beneficial for their future studies.For instance,at primary schools they have a regular routine of flexible time table,frequent to the things,which they are learning within a short session.Children adopt easily to their culture and they can have a better understanding.It is of no surprise that the minors can better learn at primary schools though adolcents( spelling) are invariably busy with their other works.From this, it becomes evident that commencing to learn a foreign language at primary level will be (beneficial to yearn for their better future.)( i think this part is redundant, use only a single word of same meaning, here, benefit, better, yearn have almost same meaning, use of them)( may be beneficial for their future.),

( same here as well, just compare to secondary schools, here you said it benefits for future, but your expansion doesn't say anything about future)

To summarize,it is believed that the theory of teaching foreign language at primary school is rewarding.So the young children's innate abilities should be harnessed to make these benefits more achievable.


TR band 5 ; attempt to answer the question is visible but incomplete comparison , second paragraph not completely extended or irrelevant

CC band 6: logical flow, but ideas not related at some instants

Lr band 5; a few spelling mistakes , many repeated words
primary 9
foreign 8
language 7
schools 6
learning 6
languages 4
more 4
learn 4
better 3
teaching 3
beneficial 3
future 3 this is example of very poor vocabularies. try use different word forms

GR & A band 6; not many grammatical issues, but not good structures either, try to use some relative clause, adverbial clauses.

overall looks like band 5.5 to band 6.

Durai

[supriya]

Hi Durai
Thank you for rectifying my essay and for your precious time though it was my first essay i will try my best to put some vacabulary and post it soon.
Hope you as well as other ielts member and teacher will help me to improve in my writing skill.

Thank You

[allen_zhang]

Hi Durai,
I found that you and I are two super active guys in this forum these days.
I just have a tiny, little,petty.. suggestion for you:
I saw your essays before and we have talked. so I know that you are also a IELTS test taker. I would like to suggest that we should not try to grade others' essays. it might be misleading. we'd better leave the grading work to experts - even native speakers without training are not qualified to grade IELTS essays, because they do not know the criteria.

I want to say it is great to comment on others' essay. in this way, we can help other and improve ourselves.


BR!
Allen

[durai]

Hi Allen,

Thanks for your very open statement,

As a IELTS test taker I always look for someone to grade my essay, but no one turned up yet.

But, When I comment I clearly say that I am also a test taker, so the person need to consider those things.

As you said, I am not a trained IELTS examiner, but I grade essays according to band criteria, I am doing IELTS at many instants since 2007. So i come across many things, I read many essays on the web and their corrections, still i may not able to write good essays to band 8 level, for example, but I very well know how it is graded.

Still, I am not an examiner, still I grade essays so it may help them in some ways.

Even I don't mind if you grade my essay to band 5 or 5.5, I take it as positive, and improve myself.

Anyway, thanks Allen for your advice, I will keep continuing until moderator Ryan insists me.

Durai

[Chi]

Hi Durai,
I found that you and I are two super active guys in this forum these days.
I just have a tiny, little,petty.. suggestion for you:
I saw your essays before and we have talked. so I know that you are also a IELTS test taker. I would like to suggest that we should not try to grade others' essays. it might be misleading. we'd better leave the grading work to experts - even native speakers without training are not qualified to grade IELTS essays, because they do not know the criteria.

I want to say it is great to comment on others' essay. in this way, we can help other and improve ourselves.


BR!
Allen

Hi Allen, just a quick note and perhaps it is helpful. I think you should capitalize the first letter when you begin a new sentence. I am sure you know this rule. But your habit of not following it, just because this is a casual chat, might be brought to your exam and negatively affects your performance.

Maybe I missed it somewhere, but how were your results for the last test?

Cheers,
Chi

[allen_zhang]

Hi Chi,
Highly appreciate your advices. I will try my best to avoid commiting mistakes.
I got 7 on speaking, which I am happy about. However, they gave me 5.5 on writing. This really confused me, because I feel I deserve better score. Anyway, I won't seek for reassessment because it won't make me 7 by any chance, even if I believe I may be given a 6.

Many thanks!
Allen

[Chi]

Hi Chi,
Highly appreciate your advices. I will try my best to avoid commiting mistakes.
I got 7 on speaking, which I am happy about. However, they gave me 5.5 on writing. This really confused me, because I feel I deserve better score. Anyway, I won't seek for reassessment because it won't make me 7 by any chance, even if I believe I may be given a 6.

Many thanks!
Allen

Hi Allen,

From what you wrote above, it seems that grammar is still your weakness.

This really confused me, because I feel I deserve better score.

There are several mistakes in this one sentence. I would rewrite it as: "This really confuses me, because I feel like I deserve a better score." - Whether you use past tense or present tense depends on how you mean it. But I think this confusion is still intact, so I would use present tense. Also, there should be consistency in terms of verb tense within the sentence that you wrote.

Anyway, I won't seek for reassessment because it won't make me 7 by any chance, even if I believe I may be given a 6.

There's no "for" after the verb "seek. I find the way you find it is a bit awkward. I think basically you wanted to say: "I won't seek reassessment because I don't think they will give me a 7. It is not worth it if I was given a 6."

Cheers,
Chi

[allen_zhang]

Hi Chi,
This conversation has become more and more interesting and your comments are extremely helpful for me. I learned a lot from them.
When you point out my mistakes, I can understand them immediately. But I still keep making mistakes.

Let's discuss a little more about the sentence below:

Anyway, I won't seek for reassessment because it won't make me 7 by any chance, even if I believe I may be given a 6.

Is it OK if I put it in this way?

Anyway, I won't seek reassessment because I don't think there will be any chance for me to get a 7, although I believe that I may be given a 6 if I request a reassessment.

Regarding your version:

"I won't seek reassessment because I don't think they will give me a 7. It is not worth it if I was given a 6."

I think you are using subjunctive, should the "if I was given a 6" be changed to "if I were given a 6"?

BR!
Allen

[Chi]

But I still keep making mistakes.

It's okay to make mistakes, just try not to make the same mistake over and over again.

Anyway, I won't seek reassessment because I don't think there will be any chance for me to get a 7, although I believe that I may be given a 6 if I request a reassessment.

I think this sentence is too long, as it consists of many clauses and appears to be a run-on sentence. I think to minimize the risk of making awkwardly sounded sentences, try to write complex sentences with two independent, or maximum three, clauses. Of course this is not a hard and fast rule, but it is important to keep in mind that a run-on sentence tends to confuse the reader of what is the main point or the message that you want to convey. You can break the above sentence into: "Anyway, I won't seek reassessment because I don't think there will be any chance for me to get a 7. Although I believe that I may be given a 6 if I request a reassessment". Personally I would use "requested" instead of "request", but I am not sure if that is a must or just my habit.

I think you are using subjunctive, should the "if I was given a 6" be changed to "if I were given a 6"?

I think you are right about using "were". I was taught the same in school, but seems "was" is not incorrect either. I think they are interchangeable. Somebody correct me if I am wrong.

Cheers,
Chi

[supriya]

Hi Chi..
I liked your discussion about the grammatical aspects.Could you please evaluate my essay so that I can get a proper idea to present further essays in the coming days.

Thanks and Regards
supriya

[Chi]

Hi Supriya,

Although I don't think I can go through the whole essay, I will try to give some comments.

In today's world, learning a new language is being given a lot of priority.Teaching foreign languages in primary schools embodies this idea perfectly.It is agreed that learning foreign languages at primary schools will be beneficial for their future studies and career. This is because, children's learning skills are more enhanced and they have more time to dedicate to learning a new language. The following points will be analysed below.

I think somehow your sentences read a bit awkward, even though they seem to be alright grammar wise. I think you wanna say with your first sentence: "In today's world, it is very important to know a foreign language." - With a sentence like this, you can elaborate more to make the sentence more complex, such as "In today's world, it is very important to know a foreign language, as it opens up opportunities to connect with people from different countries and cultures."

I don't know how to link to the second sentence, as the question asks you to discuss whether it is primary school or secondary school, I don't think it is a good idea to mention primary school at this stage. And you didn't introduce the debating topic at all but went straight to your thesis. This makes the essay going be "It's good to teach children foreign languages in primary school" rather than "it's better to start in primary school than in secondary school".

Your third sentence is rather awkward, you can write it as: "This is demonstrated by an early start of foreign language programmes not only allows children to dedicate more time to the subject but also helps better develop their learning." I am not sure if I understood what you meant correctly though.

You can just remove the last sentence. But if you wanna keep it, you can just say "These points are going to be discussed in this essay" - but I personally don't think it's necessary.

---I gotta stop now. I hope my correction of the introduction is helpful and I hope that it will give you an idea to rework your body paragraphs. I feel like you have already got a structure, but you need to write more clearly. Pay attention to writing sentences until you are confident with it. Also, when you brain storm, try to pick out strong supporting arguments, and choose strong examples, it will make your essay a lot stronger in task response.

I am going to copy the essay that I wrote on the same topic here, if you want, you can use it as a reference.

Knowing a second language is beneficial, as it opens up opportunities to connect with people from different countries and cultures. In many schools around the world, foreign language has been integrated into the curriculum. However, there is a debate whether children should start learning a foreign language at elementary school or if it would be better to start at secondary school. Some people would argue that forcing children to study at an early age is rather harmful; however, I strongly believe that there are more advantages than disadvantages for children to start learning a foreign language at primary school as it increases the possibility to achieve high levels of fluency and it has positive impact on children’s mental development.

Firstly, children who start learning a second language before their preadolescence are more likely to develop native-like pronunciation and attain high levels of fluency which would be difficult with late start language programs. Studies have revealed that human brains are more open to linguistic development between birth and preadolescence due to the formation of the brain. Children can learn a new language effortlessly during this period. However, people who start a second language after this period have unpredictable attainment and it have to be gained through long and hard traditional learning. Results of these studies clearly show that young children have great advantages in leaning foreign languages and therefore they should start in primary school rather than secondary school.

In addition to this, language learning has an impact on the development of the children’s brain, hence it should be allowed before the brain completes its development. Studies show that human brains complete their development around the age of 8 to 10. Meanwhile, other studies indicate that bilingual children are found to have larger density of “gray matter”, the substance that is responsible for processing information including memory, speech and sensory perception. These studies strongly demonstrate the benefit of learning a second language on the development of young children and consequently it should be taught in primary school.

In conclusion, it is clear that the early start of learning a second language bears great benefits, not only for children’s performance in that particular subject but also for children’s mental development. These advantages by far outweigh the disadvantages. Hopefully parents and schools will let children start learning foreign languages in primary school instead of secondary school.

Written by Chi

Good luck with your studies.

Chi

[supriya]

Thanks alot chi,..
your way of writing essay is commendable,Can you help me out as i am appearing for my exam from china(nantong)Jiangsu.Please can you help me in my writing task???

Thanks and Regards
Supriya