Please assess my essay sir! Thank you!

[nerieryanc]

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this.
To what extent do you agree?

Health care system is an important component of the community. The health of the community relies on this organization, thus this needs to be strengthened by the government through offering extra importance. Enough finances must be sustained in order to attain good quality of health each person is capable of.

As the years progress level of health problems augments, basically in rural areas where less educated people can be found and health awareness and teachings are rarely provided. This problem must not be taken for granted. We must take into consideration that healthy community is the best way to lessen the predicaments each country is facing.

If I were to be asked what is more important, prevention of health problems and illness or treatment and medicine? I would definitely be in favor of prevention. Through community health education the people are getting aware of the measures to be done to escape from acquiring several diseases. For instance, through simple hand washing, a person keeps away from acquiring infections. Through eating healthy foods and proper exercise, a person avoids from developing chronic conditions such as hypertension, diabetes mellitus and hyperlipidemia.

The government must be mindful of this problem and must deliver extra significance to this matter. Enough funds is essential to carry out these measures for the purpose of preventing or if not lessen the health problems. I am constantly certain of the idea that if we are well informed about health problem preventive measures, no medical treatment and medicine are compelled, thus lessen the country’s burdens as well as the financial demands for health care system in the community. As the saying goes, “prevention is better than cure. “

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I think the main problem with this essay is that you have taken a VERY narrow view of illness and disease. Here are just a few things you failed to mention at all ...
1. malaria
2. traffic accidents
3. injuries due to crime
4. cancer
5. hereditary diseases

Let's look at your conclusion ... " I am constantly certain of the idea that if we are well informed about health problem preventive measures, no medical treatment and medicine are compelled". Really?

In addition, you mention rural areas, but then completely fail to suggest how the situation could be improved.

All the best,
David

[nerieryanc]

Hi sir!

Thank you for your honest criticisms on my essay.. Is it possible for you to give a rate?