Dear examiners, please critique my essay which is about old and young employees

[abbasazarmehrput]

Some people think that only staff who worked in a company for a long time should be promoted to higher positions. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples.
Do you agree with this statement?

Many organisations, especially those operating in information technology sector, often promote new employees to higher positions provided that they possess required expertise and skills. Although this strategy is applied by many chief executive officers in different companies, I personally disagree with this approach. This will be shown by looking at both loyalty and experience of old workers.

For one, staff who have been working for a company for a long time show more loyalty to it. A recent study conducted in the UK reveals that experienced employees are more likely to stay in their companies compared to newly-recruited employees. These young workers would be easily tempted to leave if they were offered better pay packets and higher job profiles by rival companies. This example clearly exhibits why new employees should not be promoted in a company.

In addition to that, old employees are more experienced, and they are respected by all younger employees. Bidboland Gas Refinery, where I have been working for more than 5 years, is a good example. All senior staff in this company aged above 50 because they have a good knowledge in their fields ,and more importantly they know how they should effectively communicate with their workers. They would probably follow orders if senior staff ordered workers to accomplish an assigned task in an emergency situation. This example clearly illustrates why the idea of only promoting old employees is garnered many supports among senior managers.

To sum up, I personally believe that only old employees should be promoted to higher positions because they are more loyal to their companies compared to less experienced employees , and their orders are more likely to be followed by other workers. It is recommended that senior managers should be chosen from more experienced and knowledgeable workers.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Be very careful about quoting stats! Everyone is a newly-recruited employee at some time!

Why not promote the new hires so that they do not leave the company? Or give them better pay or conditions?

Older employees are not ALWAYS respected by younger employees. There are people in my company who are older than me who I do not respect.

You are not aged over 50 because you have knowledge!

They would PROBABLY follow orders in an emergency situation!?

No! Let's be clear! Senior managers want to promote people over 50 because the senior managers ARE usually people over 50!

Conclusion: Unproven!

Grammar is good but vocabulary has not been used to provide a reasoned argument.

All the best,
David