David Please assess my wrting need 7+

[Qasim]

Question:-Some people think that having set retirement age (e.g 65 years) for every body regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe certain workers deserve to retire and receive pension of an early age.
Do you agree or disagree?
which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? [/b]
Answer
Some people believe that having a fixed age for retirement that is sixty five years is not suitable for all professions and it is unjust to the employees. In their opinion, they believe that certain set of occupations should have early retirement and pension availability to the workers. I agree with this perception and i believe that for certain professions early retirement should be an option.

Profession of teacher, banker,engineer and doctor should have fixed retirement age, because they have to perform certain duties which do not involve any sustainable risk to their life. These people can perform their duties till sixty five years of their age in a correctly manner. Moreover, in these type of occupations people are normally well paid and they are able to cope up with financial issues and there is an gradual growth every year to meet their family needs.

In addition, professions like arm forces, sports and building workers, should have option of early retirement, because all these involved hard physical activities and life endangerment, while performing their duties. These type of people perform difficult job and at the age of forty plus they become unfit to perform such responsibilities, so they should have retirement and pension option to avail. Furthermore these people plays a very important role in development and safety of country and we should benefit them in taking their tension away and provide them with financial support.

In conclusion, i believe and as discussed above, early retirement should provide to certain professions according to their job responsibilities. Although people who are physically disable, should also have the option to avail early retirement and pension.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

To be honest, I'm not sure any of this makes sense!

Why can't teachers continue work after 65?
Why can't sports people and soldiers continue after 40? Not all sports are physically demanding, e.g. darts, snooker. What about army generals?
I personally know many builders who are over 40.

I also know people who are physically disabled who are over 40 and still work.

Grammar is reasonable and vocabulary appears good, but is not used to create an effective argument.

Overall, this essay needs more thought and a rewrite.

All the best,
David

[Qasim]

Thanks really appreciated
i will rewrite this and provide reasonable arguments