Writing task 1- application letter

[leodibkk]

Hi David,

I would be grateful if you can assess my writing on Task 2 of the general training section.

Thanks,
Leo
---
Write an application letter to an organisation working with children to volunteer for a part-time job. Please say:

Why do you want to work there?
Why are you suitable for this job?
When will you be able to start?

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Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for a children support voluntary part-time program in your organisation which has been advertised on the Jobdb.com on Feb 11th, 2016.

Firstly, I would love to help children who are vulnerable as well as suffering fatal diseases on which your program is designed to focus. Furthermore, I am always interested in supporting juveniles in my leisure time. Hence, I believe these reasons are the ones that make me desired to apply for the position in organisation.

Then, it can be considered that I am well-fitted with this job. It is due to the fact that I have been working to actively aid children for several years. In addition, my degree in pharmacy may benefit what your organisation are working on.

Last but not least, if all the interviews go well, it will be 2 weeks that I am able to begin working in your organisation after the confirmation.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Faithfully yours,

Di Truong

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is T1 not T2.

Overall, you have included all the main points, but the first two have become a little mixed together. You do not clearly state why you want to work at that particular place. For sure, several places offer such programs.

Vocabulary and grammar are both good, but I think that you missed a great opportunity to include some work-related vocabulary of a higher level. (This frequently happens in T1 GT letters!)

All the best,
David

[leodibkk]

Thanks David for your rapid response.

I have amended my writing a little, would appreciate if you can re-assess it.

---Revised version---
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for a children support voluntary program in your organisation which has been advertised on the Jobdb.com since 11th February 2016.

Firstly, it is the program design, which substantially focus on aiding juveniles suffering fatal diseases, inspires me to work for your organisation. Furthermore, I am attracted by your team of management which includes several well-known philanthropists such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and more.

Then, the prior experiences in helping children in charitable bodies makes me confident that I am well-fitted with all the tasks assigned to this position. In addition, my competence in pharmaceutical area is definitely beneficial to the program; hence, affords me the ability to suit the job.

Last but not least, should all the interviews go well, it is a period of 2 weeks that I begin working in your organisation post the confirmation.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Faithfully yours,

Di Truong