Please assess my essay

[abbasazarmehrput]

Does being a celebrity bring more advantages or disadvantages?

There has been a heated debate among people on whether fame brings benefits or not. Although a group of people believe that being a celebrity has many drawbacks, it is agreed that its advantages are far more than its disadvantages. This will be proven by looking at how fame makes celebrities popular among people and how affluent celebrities are.

For one, celebrities are known all over the world, and their fanatic fans follow their latest news. For example, Lionel Messi, who plays for Barcelona Football Club, is famous for his unique technique and agility. His pictures could be viewed on mass media like television, Internet and prestigious newspapers. All people would agree that he would probably be spotted by his supporters if he went on public. This example clearly illustrates why being a celebrity could have positive ramifications.

In addition to that, celebrities are fabulously wealthy. Ali Daei, who is the best Iranian football player, is a good example. He possesses a collection of modern, luxurious super cars in his garage. Additionally, he has the most expensive apartment in the northern part of Tehran without having any worry about its general expenses like utility bill. He could live the rest of his life without facing financial hurdles if he left his career right now. This example clearly shows why being a celebrity could bring with it desired results.

To sum up, I personally believe that advantages of fame are far more than its disadvantages. It is predicted that celebrities will receive more salaries in the foreseeable future.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again!

Introduction - Not good, i'm afraid! 'A group of people'? Which group? 'It is agreed'? Really? Who by? Proven? So anyone who disagrees is completely wrong? Does fame ALWAYS make celebrities popular? Are celebrities ALWAYS wealthy?

First main paragraph - Celebrities are known all over the world? Name a current Vietnamese celebrity. No Wikipedia or Google! Why is being recognised publicly an advantage? Would they bothered by the attention, whilst having a family dinner at a restaurant, for example?

Second main paragraph - This paragraph really illustrates my point. 'Celebrities ARE fabulously wealthy'. All of them? Is being wealthy more important than a successful family life? Are wealthy people better than poor people? These are the kind of questions you need to deal with.

Overall, the use of language in the essay tends to be very definitive. In other words, the essay reads like a series of assertions rather than points with clear arguments.

All the best,
David

[abbasazarmehrput]

Dear David,

Thank you for your helpful comments. I was wondering if you could tell me whether I could get 7 with this style of writing.

Please help me because my exam will be on the 9 th of January.

Cheers,

Abbas

[Flick]

Does being a celebrity bring more advantages or disadvantages?

There has been a heated debate among people on whether fame has more benefits or drawbacks. Although one group of people believe that being a celebrity has many drawbacks, it is agreed that its advantages outweigh its disadvantages. This will be proven by looking at how fame makes celebrities popular among people and how affluent celebrities are.

For one, celebrities are known all over the world, and their fanatic fans follow their latest news. For example, Lionel Messi, who plays for Barcelona Football Club, is famous for his unique technique and agility. His pictures can be viewed on mass media like television, the Internet and prestigious newspapers. Everybody can agree that he would probably be spotted by his supporters if he went anywhere in public. This example clearly illustrates why being a celebrity could have positive ramifications.

In addition to that, celebrities are fabulously wealthy. Ali Daei, who is a top Iranian football player, is a good example. He possesses a collection of modern, luxurious super cars in his garage. Additionally, he has the most expensive apartment in the northern part of Tehran and never has to worry about its general expenses like the utility bill. He could live the rest of his life without facing financial hurdles even if he left his career right now. This example clearly shows why being a celebrity could bring with it many benefits.

To sum up, I personally believe that advantages of fame are far more than its disadvantages. It is predicted that celebrities will receive higher salaries in the foreseeable future.