Please assess this essay, okay, please ?

[Herwinnnn]

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
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There are more opportunities for people to travel worldwide, and this causes some discussion about whether tourist should oblige to other country's tradition. While some agree that visitors need to follow the local customs, others argue that the countries should accept other races' cultures. In my opinion, I believe that countries ought to allow cultural differences. This essay will discuss both points of views before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

For countries that accept different cultures, the citizen can have the chance to understand a foreign custom and behavior. When they can learn the differences between countries, they will be more knowledgeable, and at the same time, the visitors will feel comfortable as can harmonise with the locals. It is therefore agreed that allowing different cultures can lead to a satisfied and peaceful travel for the visitors. For example, as a Chinese in Malaysia, when my family and I went to visit the remote area, which was the home of the indigenous people, namely Kadazan, I felt happy and fulfilling because they were willing to learn Chinese language and were curious about our customs.

On the other hand, there are rumors regarding the misunderstanding of racial differences. This causes conflicts between Malay and Chinese, for instance, when a taboo is done to the other races. Nevertheless, although this might happen sometimes, the misconception is always avoided, which is due to the reason that most races are considerate and they will inform the other races when they are offended indirectly. As an instance, because majority of the Malay in Malaysia are Muslim and they are prohibited to consume pork, many restaurants provide pork-free meal, which is labelled Halal.

In conclusion, despite the lack of knowledge about other cultures, by welcoming different customs to enter into a foreign countries, it does make people to be friendly and compassionate towards each other. As a result, it is ideal to learn and accept every distinct culture globally.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, I think that you have made some good points, but there are 2 main problems. First, the examples you use are not of a foreign visitor. They are you in your country. Secondly, 'the misconception is always avoided'. Really?

Change the examples and make points a little clearer and this should be a good essay.

All the best,
David