Please kindly assess my writing task 2 .THANKS

[jayani]

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

Nowadays, not only adults but also children are exposed to various illnesses. Overweight is one of the prime concern,which is common among children.In this essay I will seek to critically examine several reasons, that act as root cause for obesity and possible solutions in order to eliminate such issues.

On the one hand ,with the evolution of living standards, vast majority of the people wrapped up with busy life schedules. For instance both children and adults prefer fast foods( unhealthy diets) and this trend has been spreading widely throughout the communities. This is particularly because, adults are more engaged with employment related work and children addicted into social media like facebook and twitter. However because of such life styles people consume significant amount of fast food which includes high levels of fat. Daily consumption of fat eventually leads to various other diseases followed by weight gain.It is clear that majority of children and adults do not put much attention to theories like food pyramid and health related subjects.

With regards to, possible solutions for such issues, there are some core areas which need to be addressed. For example in terms of children, school play a key role .Schools ought to implement lessons for students to assimilate importance of healthy diet and requirement of physical education to maintain proper weight .Likewise local councils should implement free seminars on exercises,yogas as well as advisory events on how to have a balanced life style to achieve proper weight.So such programs can guide communities to have an awareness on prevention of such major diseases .

To conclude ,It is clear that obesity among chidren is one of the major concern and fast foods(unhealthy diets) are the primary cause for weight gain.Therefore schools as well local communities should implement awareness programs to eliminate such illnesses. Measures should be introduced by government health officials to influence and fund such initiatives.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, a good essay, but I think you have tried to use higher level vocabulary, often without success.
1. evolution of living standards - evolution is incorrect, increase would be better
2. explain how Facebook is connected to fast food
3. the food pyramid is a waste of time - if children are ignoring it, great!
4. implement should be changed to introduce
5. assimilate is used incorrectly. delete
6. if people are so busy, how will they find time to attend these events?
Not a bad essay, but not particularly clear or well developed.

All the best,
David

[jayani]

Thanks a lot for your comments David.
I'll try to correct those mistakes .