PLEASE KINDLY ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 - GOOD MEMBERS OF SOCIETY

[hollanda]

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Whether parents or school should be responsible for educating children to become well-behaved and good citizens in the society remains a source of controversy. While some believe that parents should take the leading role, I would argue that school is the most suitable place for children to learn about discipline and social behaviour.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why children should be taught about how to be good members of society by their parents. Firstly, parental guidance plays an integral part in forming the perception of good behaviour in the early childhood. Since children mainly live at home with their parents in first years of their life, parents are actually the only ones who can teach them. If children were not received a sufficient amount of guidance in this period, it might be difficult for them to understand how to behave in a socially acceptable way later on. Secondly, parents are the closest people surrounding their offspring, who also love and understand them the most. Therefore, it might be easier for parents to find out the most effective approach to teach their offspring.

On the other hand, I incline towards the view that children would learn about good behaviour and discipline better at school. The most obvious reason is that school teachers are usually more willing to punish disruptive children than their parents are. When children behave aggressively, punishment can be an effective way to teach them. However, parents are often reluctant to conduct a strict punishment because they tend to pamper their children. Furthermore, the competitive learning environment at school can encourage students to act decently. Children often long for teacher’s approval and recognition. If they behave badly, they cannot be praised, thus it is likely that they would change to behave more friendly.

In conclusion, although parents can effectively teach their offspring about moral value to some extent, I am convinced that school can perform this task far better.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Hollanda!

Introduction - Very good!

First main paragraph - Good.

Second main paragraph - Are you sure about the second sentence? When I worked in China, we were absolutely not permitted to punish the children in any way. You make my point for me when you say that parents pamper their kids. This leads directly to the fact that they do not allow teachers to punish them. Explain the fifth sentence. Sixth sentence - do they? Seventh sentence - they might be praised by other students.

Conclusion - not demonstrated.

Clearly, the second paragraph is where this essay runs into trouble. Rewrite it?
All the best,
David

[hollanda]

Hi David,

Thank you for your feedback.

I must say that you're so right when you said a kid who misbehaved might not be praised by teachers but by other friends. I honestly did not think about this point, so this is a double-edged idea.

And actually I think punishment might be a too strong word, what I really mean here is that since there are many students in a class, teachers have to deal with them more strictly in order to run the class. But at home, parents only have to deal with one or two kids, so they might let it go or be too lenient. Do you think the problem of my essay lies on my ideas or the way I explain them, not clear and too ambiguous?

Regards,
Hollanda