Dear David, Please look at my essay and analyse it

[abbasazarmehrput]

Writing task 2

Mobile phones should be banned in certain places. Agree or disagree?

Nowadays, more and more sophisticated devices have been introduced to the market since industrialization commenced in the UK. One of the latest technologically advanced instruments is cell phone. Although it has many plus points, it is agreed that its usage should be prohibited in some venues. This will be proven by looking at two examples elaborated in this essay.

For one, mobile phones' usage should be banned in hospitals because it could possibly interfere with electronic equipment and disturb patients. For example, visitors carrying cell phones are not allowed to enter German infirmaries. These establishments are equipped with high-tech devices like MRI and CT scans transmitting and receiving microwaves. These devices might not function properly if someone's cell phone was turned on. In addition to that, talking over the phone while patients are preparing to take a nap could be disturbing. This example clearly illustrates why mobile phones should be banned in hospitals.

Furthermore, mobile phones should be switched off in schools. A new study conducted by American psychologists and sociologists shows that usage of mobile phones in classrooms could stop school children to actively engage in the process of learning. Therefore, pupils studying in schools in which they are allowed to carry mobile phones receive lower grades than their counter parts in schools in which usage of mobile phones are strictly prohibited. This example clearly shows that mobile usage could have some negative ramifications.

To sum up, it is believed that mobile phones should be banned in hospitals and schools. It is suggested that mobile phones should be collected by janitors, or they should be switched off before entering these buildings.

[Evgenii Rodin]

You repeat the same mistakes in your essays (e.g."nowadays" with Present Perfect, wrong punctuation, etc.). There is one more problem; you might get a lower score for using memorised phrases like " since industrialization commenced in the UK" (you were not asked to discuss the situation in the UK) or your repeated "This example clearly..." phrase.

[Flick]

Mobile phones should be banned in certain places. Agree or disagree?

Nowadays, more and more sophisticated devices have been introduced to the market since industrialization commenced in the UK. One of the latest technologically advanced instruments is the cell phone. Although it has many benefits, it is agreed that its usage should be prohibited in some venues. This will be proven by looking at two examples in this essay.

First, mobile phone usage should be banned in hospitals because it could possibly interfere with electronic equipment and disturb patients. For example, visitors carrying cell phones are not allowed to enter German infirmaries. These establishments are equipped with high-tech devices like MRI and CT scanners transmitting and receiving microwaves. These devices might not function properly if someone's cell phone was turned on. In addition to that, talking over the phone while patients are preparing to take a nap could be disturbing. This example clearly illustrates why mobile phones should be banned in hospitals.

Furthermore, mobile phones should be switched off in schools. A new study conducted by American psychologists and sociologists shows that the use of mobile phones in classrooms could stop school children from actively engaging in the process of learning. Therefore, pupils studying in schools in which they are allowed to carry mobile phones receive lower grades than their counterparts in schools in which usage of mobile phones are strictly prohibited. This example clearly shows that mobile usage has some negative ramifications.

To sum up, it is believed that mobile phones should be banned in hospitals and schools. It is suggested that mobile phones should be collected by janitors, or they should be switched off before entering these buildings.

[abbasazarmehrput]

Mobile phones should be banned in certain places. Agree or disagree?

Nowadays, more and more sophisticated devices have been introduced to the market since industrialization commenced in the UK. One of the latest technologically advanced instruments is the cell phone. Although it has many benefits, it is agreed that its usage should be prohibited in some venues. This will be proven by looking at two examples in this essay.

First, mobile phone usage should be banned in hospitals because it could possibly interfere with electronic equipment and disturb patients. For example, visitors carrying cell phones are not allowed to enter German infirmaries. These establishments are equipped with high-tech devices like MRI and CT scanners transmitting and receiving microwaves. These devices might not function properly if someone's cell phone was turned on. In addition to that, talking over the phone while patients are preparing to take a nap could be disturbing. This example clearly illustrates why mobile phones should be banned in hospitals.

Furthermore, mobile phones should be switched off in schools. A new study conducted by American psychologists and sociologists shows that the use of mobile phones in classrooms could stop school children from actively engaging in the process of learning. Therefore, pupils studying in schools in which they are allowed to carry mobile phones receive lower grades than their counterparts in schools in which usage of mobile phones are strictly prohibited. This example clearly shows that mobile usage has some negative ramifications.

To sum up, it is believed that mobile phones should be banned in hospitals and schools. It is suggested that mobile phones should be collected by janitors, or they should be switched off before entering these buildings.

Thank you very much indeed for correcting my grammatical errors. I owe you one.

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