please kindly asses my essay and give possible band score

[Max maximus]

Nowadays, young people admire sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a possitive or negative development?

In today’s world, it is common worldwide that the multitude of youngsters tend to worship sports celebrities although they do not examplify good attributes and habits. Throughout the history, the younger generations have been admiring people with a good athletic ability. It is claimed that the admiration towards the sports stars have more advantages than drawbacks. This will be proven by looking at how sportsmen inspire  young people as well as teach them life lessons.

Initially, there is no doubt that many individuals, especially young people can easily be encouraged by sport figures. For instance, most people are likely to feel frustration when thay are on the point of conforting with some obstacles or participating in the compititions or examinations in their lives. However, people who won in international tournaments can motivate them by their commitments or telling them not to give up no matter how hard  the difficulties are. As this example shows, the admiration towards the sports stars can be viable motivation for youngsters.

Furthermoe, one reason why the benefits of admiring sportsmen can overlap its drawbacks is that thay can contribute us to learn life lessons those cannot be tought at school. To illustrate, nowadays some athletes have a tendency to consume a drug before the Olypic Games or international compititions commence. Consequently, many of them are expelled from participation in compititions for a long time and they are not given a chance of showcasing their talents in public. Therefore, today the majority of young people know the negative results of the drug consumption. In addition, young people can learn to acknowledge their loss and congratulate rivals when they lose by the act of international sports stars who lost in the Olympic Games.

In summary, it seems to me that the habit of admiring sports stars have many avantages and  we can get not only effective motivations but also life lessons from them.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Max
Basically, this is a good essay.
There are some places where vocabulary and phrasing are a little strange or confusing - multitude of youngsters, initially (= at the start of a process), viable motivation.
Also be a little careful with spelling - competition, confronting.
There are a lot of grammar mistakes, mainly with more complex structures.
Some examples would enhance the arguments.
All the best,
David