PLEASE KINDLY ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 - FAST FOOD

[hollanda]

In some countries,fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the schools promote their products to school children.what do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children.
Fast food is becoming the most prevalent type of food that surrounds students these days due to the fact that some schools accept bribes from fast food suppliers for selling their products. This trend has a certain number of benefits and drawbacks as will be discussed.
On the one hand, it is undoubtedly that fast food or junk food has various negative effects on the development of children. Firstly, fast food is to blame for the growing number of childhood obesity and diabetes. Fast food, which is usually rich in fat, salt and sugar but has a relatively limited quantity of vital vitamins and minerals, is likely to make children gain excess weight. In addition, some fast food consists of artificial sweeteners and chemical preservatives, which can lead to a range of serious diseases later in children’s lives. Secondly, being indulged with junk food everyday can discourage children from learning cooking skills. As a result, these children will be more likely to depend heavily on the less healthy food, which adversely affects the development of their independence and the competence to take care of themselves.
However, a part from the above-mentioned negative effects, there are also some positive effects which are undeniable. The first one is that eating fast food is fairly time-saving for almost all students. By this way, students can have more time to spend on other useful activities such as group discussion or socialization. Furthermore, images and illustrations on fast food’s package are interesting eye-catching and stimulating, which can nurture children’s creativity and imagination.
In conclusion, although fast food brings about a number of negative influences on children’s health, it is sometimes beneficial for the development of children.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Hollanda,

Introduction - Are you sure about the first sentence?

First main paragraph - Very good!

Second main paragraph - I'm not sure about these arguments. Creativity? As for the question of time, what if children get food from a school canteen?

Conclusion - The main problem is that you haven't referred to the money that the companies give to schools, so the answer is not complete.

All the best,
David