Writing-Task2: Gender

[jennylfm]

Topic: women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

It is true that women and men have their own advantages and disadvantages which are belonging to their own gender. Therefore, it has been suggested that they should be excluded from some jobs due to this. In my opinion, this notion is not unreasonable and wrong.

It is undeniable that with the limitations of gender, women or men are not good at doing some certain works. For instance the construction works which are characterised by the need of physical strengths, so it is said that these kinds of professions are more suitable for men. Similarly for men in nursing jobs which require great patience and carefulness, these are the advantages of women, thus this kind of jobs are considered as more suitable for women. However, this does not mean that women are not capable to do construction works as men are not able to do nursing work. Therefore, just because of this causes, women or men are prohibited to do some jobs, it is totally unreasonable and unacceptable.

Moreover, everyone are entitled to do any professions they are interested. They have the rights to choose any jobs, even these jobs are considered as unsuitable for them because of their gender, in addition, females and males enjoy the same rights for the same jobs. Therefore, any ideas of excluding women or men from some certain violent their rights, and should not be accepted. Furthermore, Women and men are mentally as strong as each other, despite some differences for physical strengths, this makes them able to do any jobs equally.

In conclusion, there is no doubt that women and men have different benefits and disadvantages for their own gender. However, it is completely wrong and unreasonable to exclude them from some certain jobs just owning to their gender.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Jenny,

Introduction - Not unreasonable AND wrong!?

First main paragraph - Does construction work really involve physical strength, considering how much machinery we use nowadays? Do you mean men are not patient or careful?

Second main paragraph - Really? Do people have the right to choose their jobs? OK, I want to be CEO of Microsoft - now! Violent or violate? Do men and women enjoy the same rights for jobs? Have you been to Saudi Arabia?

Conclusion - owning or owing?

Be a little careful with phrasing. Taking some of the mistakes mentioned above, I know what you want to say, but the words and grammar change the meaning to something completely different.
All the best,
David

[jennylfm]

Hi David,

Thanks for your time and suggestions. Yeap, there are lots of grammar mistakes in my writing which makes it very confusing. I will pay attention to this during my following practice. Thanks for pointing them out.

Honestly, nearly everyday, I write one essay as to enhance my writing. However, recently, I find that my writing stays one level, even i spend a lot of time to improve it, there are no big differences.

And I have taken part in for two times for IELTS examination, my writing was always 6.5. I need 7 for it.

So will you please give me some suggestions about how to improve it? and If i want to get 7, besides of grammar mistakes, what I need to pay attention to based on my level?

Thanks for your generous help.

Thanks,
Jenny

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Msg me with your email address and I will send you some materials.
D