Please assess my writing task 2. Topic - Living alone.

[ahmadsayed2008]

Here is my sample answer for IELTS writing task-2.
My initial target is band 7, so far I have to go to get this score.
Please assess my writing and make your valuable comment. I would glad if you could also notify me about my grammatical mistakes that I did.

Question:
In some countries, many more people are choosing to live alone nowadays than in the past. Discuss both of its positive or negative development and give your own opinion. [modified Qustion]

Answer:
In recent times, it has become more common to live individually, especially in the developed countries. In this essay, I will discuss both of merits and demerits of this trend.

The rise of the living alone can be seen as a positive development of personal freedom. As nowadays, after certain age younger generations tend to come out from their family and live alone in the developed countries as they think parents are imposing restrictions on their activities. Leaving the family for living independently, they get more comfort and freedom to enjoy the life. Also, as people, in modern times, have to be more responsible in their workplace to achieve their career goal, therefore sometimes, they don’t want to take the responsibility of their family and decide to live alone. So, living in this way saves their valuable time that help them to reach their career destination. In addition to this, when someone wish to live independently, he also tries to be self-sufficient to fulfill his living requirement like he has to have his own income, has to cook, clean and manage his budget. In this way, when an individual becomes solvent it further helps the society and decrease a country’s unemployment rate.
One the other hand, this individualistic development has many negative aspects in the society and also in the economy. Living alone can deprive someone of getting support from his or her family members or relatives. Suppose, he is suddenly feeling ill and become sick that situation, as he is living alone at his home, he will get no one to help him at this terrible time. As a result, there is a chance of him suffering depression and loneliness. In addition to this, it will also destroy one of our society’s common customs that our society has a long tradition of holding family members together. For example, when more people will start living alone that will make them separated from their family members and their bonding. After all, in this way, they will gradually lose affection to their family. It would make people more materialistic. Furthermore, if more and more people start to live individually and do not engage in marriage, then it can decrease the birth rate of a country and eventually can create a scarcity of manpower. Consequently, that will hamper the development of the country.

In conclusion, living alone is beneficial for personal freedom but can create an adverse effect in the society in considering with family bonding and social values. In my observation, negative development outweighs the positive in terms of living individually.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - Good

First main paragraph - Good, although I don't understand the last sentence. Don't want to take responsibility? What do you mean?

Second main paragraph - "he WILL get no one to help"? Are you sure? Why? Depression and loneliness also afflict people who live with others. It isn't a matter of living alone. It's a matter of relationships with others. For example, Muslim women have relatively high levels of suicide due to loneliness when their husbands force them to stay at home. What if people live alone but close to their family? Why will they lose affection for their family? Why is a low birth rate bad? Actually, the fact is that a high birth rate is often very bad for an economy as the government has to provide for more people. In the future, if we use technology more, why do we need large manpower?

Conclusion - Not demonstrated.

Overall, you started well, and then made statements that are either demonstrably wrong or are meaningless without further development. Try to make sure that your arguments are clear and supported by real evidence rather than suppositions.

All the best,
David

[ahmadsayed2008]

Thank you, sir.
Would please make a comment about my grammatical error.
You advised me that my argument should be clearer and supported by the real evidence. But my question is how would we generate clear and supportive meaningful ideas within a very limited time. Could you please give us some advice on how to generate ideas that are clear and meaningful?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

You raise a good point when you ask about generating ideas. I can suggest 2 things. First, read more widely. There are plenty of sources of information on the internet on practically any topic. If you are in a class, read other students' essays and swap ideas.

Secondly, talk to a variety of people. Start with family and friends and classmates. Ask them what ideas they have about the topic. If you are taking a course, suggest that each student make a 'mind map' on a few topics each week. In class, or before/after, you could sit in a circle and swap the mind maps around, adding comments like 'why?' or 'how?' and adding arguments that you have thought of but your classmates haven't.

I hope that helps! You can do this for the speaking test topics too!
All the best,
David