Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Agree or disagree.
Violence is one exaggerated action that can potentially injure, harm or even cause the death of victim. To add to this, media that was once considered as the representative of external world, is also been under its influence. It is then felt by some that violent media is directly responsible for the increase in same behaviour, over the last five decades, among younger generation. However, contrary to the above statement, I believe creation of mentally sick society and the existence of class system are potentially contributing to this attitude.
Firstly, violence is thought as an attribute of critical mental health. In fact, it is also supported by psychologists that constant oppression of an individual's independant thought for a long time can augment violent impulse. For instance, step brother of Becky Watts, 16 years old from Bristol was found guilty of murdering and dismembering her body. Moreover, during trial it was confessed that the notorious attitude of little sister forces him to manslaughter. Thus, it can be observed that the distortion of normal brain functioning due to external environment can result in brutal aggression like violence.
Secondly, the prevalence of adult crime is considerably high among impoverished countries due to inappropiate class system. For example, many innocent people were killed mercilessly in Karachi during targetted mobile snatching. Furthermore, investiagtions expose the victims of this abhorrent act mainly belong to the affluent strata of the society. Hence, it is obvious that in this case unfair distribution of wealth propagates violence.
In summary, the rise in mental illnesses and classification of communities as rich and poor, are a breeding source for violence among aldolescents. To conclude, media is not the fundamental reason for the rise in violence among new generation. Also, it is recommended that strong actions are required by every concerned authority to fight against this evil in society.
please assess my ielts writing task 2
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David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
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Re: please assess my ielts writing task 2
Hi Fasah,
Introduction - good
First main paragraph - Critical mental health? Notorious attitude? Forces? I think that the basic argument is good, but be careful with vocabulary.
Second main paragraph - How is the Karachi incident a sigh of class problems? The fact that the victims were wealthy does not prove that the crime was motivated by poverty. Wealthier people are more likely to have mobile phones than poor people. Many criminals would happily steal from the less wealthy too. However, again, I do agree with your basic point.
Overall, I think your points are good, but badly expressed. Looking at some of your recent essays, I notice that you tend to make broad assertions rather than looking at various possibilities. In your writing, this means a lack of conditional sentences, for example, because everything is black and white, without other possibilities.
All the best,
David
Introduction - good
First main paragraph - Critical mental health? Notorious attitude? Forces? I think that the basic argument is good, but be careful with vocabulary.
Second main paragraph - How is the Karachi incident a sigh of class problems? The fact that the victims were wealthy does not prove that the crime was motivated by poverty. Wealthier people are more likely to have mobile phones than poor people. Many criminals would happily steal from the less wealthy too. However, again, I do agree with your basic point.
Overall, I think your points are good, but badly expressed. Looking at some of your recent essays, I notice that you tend to make broad assertions rather than looking at various possibilities. In your writing, this means a lack of conditional sentences, for example, because everything is black and white, without other possibilities.
All the best,
David