Please Assess my essay for Writing Task 2

[sanket]

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games.
What are the positive and negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Answer:

In current time, computers have achieved a vital position in our life. Human dependency on computer is increasing every day. They have also become integral part of our entertainment & games. Thus large number of children are accepting computers as main medium for playing games.
To some extent, playing computer games have positive impacts. Like, it helps build our concentration. As computer games require positioning at single place & concentration towards specific focus. For example, popular games like counter strike, involves finding of the enemy target and eliminating them along with safeguarding yourself. Secondly, computer is a good option for playing mind games like chess. Because it reduces cost of buying physical material and separate place required for that. Computer also enables us to practice at different difficulty level & modes which is not possible in normal physical game. Virtualization ha sit own advantages of better simulation of realistic scenarios & multi medium integration, integrating video, sound & effects which can be experienced only through computers.
However, playing computer games is double edged sword as it can also be disastorous if over used. Firstly, computer games reduce physical activity which hampers the fitness aspect involved in playing games. Spending of long hours in front of computer can cause multiple health problems. For instance, stress on eyes, back ache to higher extent it can also lead to mental stress. It is more dangerous for children as they can get affected at their tender age causing loss for lifetime. For example, nowadays more children are getting spectacles in early ages, one more obesity is also seen increasing during childhood.
Hence we need to minimize these negative impacts by creating a balanced situation. Outdoor or physical games should be given equal importance along with computer games. It is responsibility of the parents to nurture their children considering this. At the same time as an adults even we should try to devote time for both physical & virtual games.
To summarize, I think computer games have their advantages as well as disadvantages. It is upto us to make their utilization extracting the positives & negating the negatives.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Sanket,
The first thing I notice is that you have focused relatively little on reducing the problems. Also, you seem convinced that wearing glasses is purely a result of playing computer games, which is unlikely. Otherwise, the essay is quite good, with good vocabulary. Though grammar mistakes are common, they are usually minor and rarely affect understanding.
Well done!
David