Writing task 2 attempt

[jayzeelou]

Some people believe that no aid should be given to developing countries that have poor human rights records.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

    A vast majority of developing countries have been stricken with poor regards to human rights. Acts such as violence, abuse, and other inhumane practices run amock in these countries. Despite these inhumane brutality towards the comminity, these Third World countries have been sustainedly given assisatance by a number of charitable donors. However, It has been argued by some, that the aid provided should be completely withdrawn and put to a halt. Personally, I agree that the aid should be severed for the reasons that It is already clear that the country lacks regard to its citizens and that the assistance provided would not be properly channeled. 

Firstly, nations who resort to violation of human rights clearly do not prioritize it's economy and people. It would be much more effective to channel aid to other countries which deem national development of paramount importance. Take for instance, The United Nations, through collaborative efforts with charity organizations, have removed all forms of aid to countries who did not wane off thier destructive behaviour, notably Zimbabwe and Syria. The funds were then given to other countries such as Burma who aspired to focus solely on development. Hence, It is clear why the aid provided to unethical nations be halted.

Secondly,  Help provided by donors would not be correctly allocated to it's economy. It may be utilized for thier abusive propaganda. Funds could be allocated to drug smuggling, weaponry or use it as leverage for other projects. Take for example, Syria, the country had been supported by the United States of America, Saudi Arabi and other neighboring nations. Despite the support, Syria has used the aid to on military rebellion which has cost thousands of death in the Middle-East. Therefore, immediate elimination of support could prevent such a catastrophe from occuring.

To conclude, lack of priority of the economy and improper allocation of resources are reasons enough why aid provided be complelety removed to countries who violate human rights. It is believed that by doing such actions, it would prevent uproar of devastating events towards humanity.

 

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!
Overall, a good essay with nice grammar and vocabulary. To improve the essay, I would point out that it's not quite as clear as you suggest. For instance, countries that are relatively good on human rights still spend money on weapons. The USA spends more than any other country and Burma does still, despite reforms. In addition, better human rights does not mean better bureaucracy, e.g. in India there is a lot of corruption.
I think the example of Syria is well-chosen!
All the best
David