Teachers pls help me mark this writing

[21stNov]

Young people who commit serious crimes such as robbery and violent attacks should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Whether to sentence adolescent offenders the same acts as adults when they commit serious crimes remains a controversial issue. I strongly disagree with the point of view.

Despite the age of offenders, all acts should be sentenced in the same way to prove the justice and fairness in coping with crimes. If there were mercy to be considered, the rate of committing criminal acts among the young will never decrease. Understandably, a majority of the public concerns about this feeling that crime in modern society will perhaps become resistant.

However, any judgment should be a compromise between what is ideal and what is practical in dealing with criminal acts. A great many young offenders committing crimes at the youngest age possible are immature and lack of the family's education, so they should not be punished in the way as many mature adults should be. It is likely to build up their resentment towards the society if they are judged with no consideration. Also, relatively many offenders being sentenced guilty do not understand the circumstances that they are under because of ignorance.

Furthermore, too serious a judgement made by the court could lead to reversal effects. Life in prison would negatively affect young offenders, resulting in even more serious crimes by the time they are sent back to the community. This is a common outcome that is often generated by absorbing the extreme hash nature of other mature offenders.

In conclusion, although there are certain benefits of sentencing adolescent offenders as adults, these are clearly outweighed by it drawbacks, and so on balance, I am against this idea.

[21stNov]

Teachers pls help me evaluate this essay. Some other essays posted in the same day have been checked, but this one.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Sorry to keep you waiting. Let's have a look!

Looking at the two main paragraphs, we see a common problem. In the essay, it is a good idea to present opposing points of view. However, here this has not clearly been done. For example, you say that crimes 'will never decrease' in the first paragraph. Compare this to the third paragraph.

What you are doing is expressing two points of view (good), but not examining whether they are really valid/true (bad). In other words, you are expressing, but not assessing. Expressing is easy. Assessing is not. Hence, this kind of essay scores low to moderately in IELTS.

To put it simply, you say this, that and your opinion. A good essay writer will actually assess the validity of the arguments.

All the best
David

[21stNov]

Thank you very much for your great wisdom.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

No great wisdom involved, I assure you!
I would suggest rewriting the essay to see how you improve.
All the best,
David