please assess my essays

[Max maximus]

In every city the car is king of the road.Cars cause death and injury and air pollution, and they make life difficult and dangerous for others , it is time to reduce the number of cars in the cities and encourage other means of transportation. Do you agree or diagree with this statement?

Immoderate production of vehicles is leading to the increase of accidents on the roads and making a contribution to air pollution in today’s fast moving world. Majority of individuals claim that it is time to diminish the number of cars and support other kinds of transportation as private automobiles are resulting in drastic effects to humankind. The author  of this essay is concerned that reducing the number of cars is wise option to eliminate the problems stated above.

Firstly, it is generally acknowledged that most of the people have a tendency to own a private car and utilize them for particular destinations. As a result of this habit,the demand for car production is booming and the streets are mainly filled with the vehicles that are likely to cause the grown rate of death, injury and contaminated air. Providing that authorities implement tangible actions that can easily cut the number of cars and make our lives less difficult, it could be so effective for human beings that thay do not have difficulty to downplay the magnitude of above mentioned obstacles.

Secondly, nowadays there are many optional ways for individuals to refrain from accidents or ecological problems by using other means of transportation. For instance,public transportation and bicycles can benefit to reach their long destinations without feeling danger or contributing high amount of exhaust fumes on their way. There is no doubt that public transports such as buses, trams or underground trains are mostly on time and organised by punctual schedules, if one uses them, he or she can get benefits not only by going somewhere on time as well by saving some money for their daily budget. Moreover,it is certain that cycling bicycles in advantageous for our health and muscles and also fresh air because they do not produce exhaust fumes and by riding them we can keep fit without being on a diet.

To recapitulate,regarding the shortcomings of private automobiles and advantages of public transports and bicycles, it is better for human beings to use other means of transportation and reduce the number of vehicles in order to avoid accidents or environmental problems.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Max!

Introduction - Increase in accidents? In many developed countries, accident rates are falling. Eliminate the problems? Do you mean that there will be no accidents on the roads and no air pollution if get rid of cars?

First main paragraph - Most of the people? Where? The rest of the paragraph contains information that would be better placed in the introduction or conclusion. Downplay the magnitude?

Second main paragraph - Optional ways to refrain from accidents? Public buses are mostly on time? Where? Cyclists still have to breathe the air in cities, which may be coming from the exhaust of a bus. Cycling might also not be practical, e.g. if you live quite far from your workplace. Also, it takes longer, which might be a key reason why more people don't use it.

Conclusion - I don't find this convincing. How about if cars used renewable energy? Do you mean that there are no accidents involving public transport?

Overall, I find much of the essay confusing. You might be referring to one particular city/country, in which case you should name it. I suggest using more flexible language (e.g. modals) and avoid being definitive about what people what do.

All the best,
David