Please evaluate my essay

[asadurk]

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The bar chart illustrates the students passing high school competency exam during 2010 and 2011 with respect to gender and subjects. The comparison is done by percentage vise and the subject Foreign language includes French, German and Spanish.

Overall, the success rate of the girls are higher than boys having highest ratio in computer science (56.3%), while boys' highest success rate can be found in mathematics (48.4%).

In the computer science (CS) and chemistry, girls have overall extremely high ratio as compared to male counterpart, which is about 14 and 16 respectively. Individually it accounts for 56.3 and 42.1 in CS, while 30.2 and 14.1 in chemistry. On the other hand, boys has about 10 success rate in the geography (30.4 and 20.1 respectively).

Apart from these, in the other subjects the success rate of the girls are higher, but with very less difference, which is about 1% to 3%. The ratio with respect to girls and boys are in physics (36.7 and 34.6), history (25.6 and 22.9), mathematics (49.2 and 48.4), and foreign languages (47.4 and 46.8)

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi!
The report is reasonably well organised, but within the paragraphs poor grammar and vocab makes understanding difficult, e.g. boys has about 10 success rate in the geography.
All the best,
David

[asadurk]

Dear sir David, I have tried to improve essay. can you evaluate it again. Can you suggest me how to improve my weaknesses.

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The bar chart illustrates the students passing high school competency exam during 2010 and 2011 with respect to gender and subjects. The comparison is done by percentage vise and the subject Foreign language includes French, German and Spanish.

Overall, the passing rate of the girls are higher than boys having highest ratio in computer science (56.3%), while boys' highest winning rate can be found in mathematics (48.4%).

In the computer science (CS) and chemistry, girls have overall extremely high success rate(about 14% and 16% more than boys) which accounts for 56.3% and 42.1% in CS and 30.2% and 14.1% in chemistry with regards to girls and boys. On the other hand, 10% more boys have achieved success in the geography (30.4 and 20.1 respectively).

Apart from these, in the other subjects the success rate of the girls are higher but with very less difference which is about 1% to 3%. The passing rate of girls and boys are in physics (36.7 and 34.6), history (25.6 and 22.9), mathematics (49.2 and 48.4), and foreign languages (47.4 and 46.8)