Please check my essay and five possible band score

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Many modern children spend a great deal of time sitting in front of a television or computer screen. This is extremely harmful to their development. Therefore parents should strictly limit the time children spend in this way.


Essay :
Excessive usage of computers and watching the television extensively by youngsters is an issue which frequently generates a great deal of heated debate nowadays. Multitude of people maintain the view that it is hazardous to the future of the youth, whilst opponents claim that it has an advantageous side if it is utilized properly.
From the one perspective, mass media and computers especially create widespread opportunities to be aware of the globe. It can be argued that, children are capable of going online and find vital data for their studies via the net. In some developed countries, for instance, distance learning has become a successful method in education system. Consequently, these advanced technologies are serving to save time and proviing youth with sufficient materials.
In contrast, opponents of this view point out that nowadays most youngsters are using the computers from down to dusk and it is considered to have detrimental effects to their upbringing. Precisely, because of watching TV or surfing the web excessively, children are losing consentration towards their objectives such as studies or health. Hence, parents have a duty to impose certain restrictions on the daily schedule of their offspring by limiting the time for trlevision and computers.
Moreover, it is often argued that spending a great deal of time for computers is harmful to the healthcare of the people. For instance, in the US one in three of youth are suffering from eyesight problems caused by sitting in front of computerised gadgets. Thus, by censoring the time of the children, one could prevent them from severe diseases that effect to the prosperious future.
To conclude, regardless of the positives of computers and television, a certain degree of limiting is always necessary.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello Doni,
Introduction - Good. Main paragraphs - Generally good, but a little more development/evidence would be good. The 'fact' about eyesight has actually never been proven - urban myth! The conclusion could be a little more extended.
All the best,
David

[Doni Nacho]

Thanks a lot Mr David. I will try to fix my mistakes and do my best