Please evaluate my writing

[jennylfm]

Hello,

Here is my essay:

Today, more and more people use mobile phones. To what extent do you think the benefits of mobile phones outweigh the drawbacks?

In the contemporary world, using mobile phones are a commonplace and extremely prevalent during the general public. Increasingly, more people start to utilise them in their daily, mobile phones has become one of essential parts in people’s lives. This trend generates a variety of positive and negative consequences.

Firstly, it is apparent that mobile phones facilitate the people’s lives in different respects. It, as one essential communication tool, boosts the efficiency and effectiveness during people. For instance, people in different locations can be connected by mobile phones conveniently and instantly, which not only strengthens the relationship. Moreover, as one important entertainment tool, people can take advantage of it to access the entertaining materials by it. People can utilise it to listen the most hot and modern music, watch the latest movies and read the funny books. Furthermore, people can even make use of it to acquire the knowledge. It is true that there are a enormous amount of informations and materials on internet, by mobile phones, It is considerably convenient for people to get access for these materials and informations for their learning process.

Despite the benefits and conveniences of mobile phones, however, it also brings about a number of negative impact for people’s lives. Firstly, People become more isolated socially, they are not willing to go out and chat with people by face to face, instead stay at home to connect with the people by mobile phone. As a result, in the long term, it is seriously harmful to the trust during people. Furthermore, It is believed that it can lead to the sedentary lifestyle which are extremely detrimental for people’s health in the long term.

In conclusion, mobile phones are changing people’s lives in every respects, including boosting the communication between different peoples, making people’s lives more entertaining and so on. However, it also has a number negative impacts, for instance, people become more isolation and it can lead to the sedentary lifestyle which is detrimental for people’s health. Although they are negative for people’s lives, the benefits generated by them are enormous.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello Jenny,

Introduction - The first two sentences are basically repetition.

First main paragraph - Good. I like the way you have looked at various functions of mobiles.

Second main paragraph - A common argument, but one which is easily demolished (sorry!). If people are using mobiles more, how does that lead to social isolation? I suspect that you are referring to a very small minority and then extrapolating this to include most people.

Conclusion - The first sentences completely contradicts paragraph 2. And then you switch back to the opposing extreme.

Overall, I have to say that arguments, as presented, are often weak and illogical. There are numerous grammatical errors and errors in word choice, e.g. become more isolation, the trust during people.

I suggest really considering the arguments rather than simply following generalisations that are frequently espoused by people who know little of the facts and issues.

All the best,
David

[jennylfm]

Hi David,

Thanks for your comments, That is really helpful for my writing.

"I suggest really considering the arguments rather than simply following generalisations that are frequently espoused by people who know little of the facts and issues."

Honestly, I know that My logic for the writing is weak. I am not sure how to make it better. Generally, firstly,i give my opinions out, then provide some examples, but my examples seem not enough to support my opinions,I am not able to link my example to my opinions together, although i indeed provide my evidences, but the whole articles are still weak.

Will you please give me more suggestions about how to make clear evidences to support the opinions and link them together?

Thanks for your time and your kind help.

Thanks,
Jennifer