Essay evaluation

[jennylfm]

Hello,

Here is the essay,

The money that is spent on space exploration should be used to improve people’s lives instead. Do you agree or disagree?

It has been suggested that the money spent on space exploration should be utilised on the enhancement of people’s lives. In my opinion, Investing money on the improvement of people’s lives is important, however, spending money on the exploration of space is also vitally crucial.

It is undeniable that it is vitally necessary to invest money on space exploration. It is mainly because that the space can provide a unique environment for scientific researches and discoveries which simply cannot be duplicated anywhere on the earth. For instance, space based science offers an environment to foster new materials, better medications, improved methods to provide clean water and better approaches to grow enough food as to feed the increasing global populations. These researches are extremely invaluable and crucial, consequently, they can lead to the countless benefits for the lives on earth. Thus, it is considerably reasonable to significant to allocate money on the exploring of space.

Despite the enormous benefits of space exploration, however, some people think that it is a waste of money.In comparison with space exploration, There are a variety of pressing and worrying problems on people’s lives which are more in need of money to be addressed, For instance the air pollution, education and healthcare. Therefore, the money should be spent to tackle these problems as to promote the quality of people’s lives, rather than on the exploring on space.

In conclusion, it is apparent that investing on space exploration can bring about a number of benefits to the humans in the long term, including new materials and good medicines and so on. On the other hand, spending money on the improvement of people’s lives is also vital.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello Jenny,

Introduction - Good.
First main paragraph - Why is it undeniable? Try to be a little more specific with your examples.
Second main paragraph - Ah! So the first sentence of this paragraph directly contradicts the first of the previous paragraph! Again, more specific examples are needed.
Conclusion - You have not clearly given your opinion.

Overall, the essay needs to be more developed. You have tended to list assertions instead of providing arguments. Grammar is good.

All the best,
David

[jennylfm]

Hi David,

Thanks for your quick reply and for your feedback. It is really helpful.

I can give some more specific examples to support my opinions, my problems is: i find that it is a little difficult to make the examples connected with my opinions.

Do you have any suggestions about this? and My aim is not only for the IELTS exam, more importantly, I'd like to improve my writing by english, because I like writing some blogs for my traveling to share my happy moments out with other peoples.

Thanks again.

Thanks,
Jenny

Hello Jenny,

Introduction - Good.
First main paragraph - Why is it undeniable? Try to be a little more specific with your examples.
Second main paragraph - Ah! So the first sentence of this paragraph directly contradicts the first of the previous paragraph! Again, more specific examples are needed.
Conclusion - You have not clearly given your opinion.

Overall, the essay needs to be more developed. You have tended to list assertions instead of providing arguments. Grammar is good.

All the best,
David

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Jenny,
Often, reading and discussion are helpful. Reading is also useful for the reading test (wow!) and for the speaking test. It gives you the opportunity to pick up examples and arguments. Discussion with other students helps you to formulate arguments and get ideas from other people.
To be honest, I think blogging does not require the same skills as writing essays for IELTS.
All the best,
David

[jennylfm]

Hi David,

Thanks so much. Good suggestions, I'd the idea of discussing with other peoples, It is not only good approach for sharing our ideas, but also practice our speaking.

Thanks for your advice, I do appreciate. Have a good day.

Thanks,
Jenny