Please Assess my Essay

[Owais]

Topic: Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Extravagant parties in social and professional circles are often criticized by many people, labeling them as complete waste of resources. Others, however, strongly agree that such celebrations are the backbone of personal and social lives of people. Both points of view will be expounded in detail in the following paragraphs respectively.

Lavish celebrations are attributed to money squandering by some people. Their idea is backed up by the fact that world’s resources are finite and should be expended carefully. It is our obligation to take care of our resources for the future of the coming generations. Monetary misspending by the world’s population on such events is gradually obliterating our natural resources. Additionally, the money spent to annihilate our resources could save the lives of millions of sick and hungry people across the globe. Building their claim on the above facts it is understandable why some people are against spendthrift celebrations.

However, people who refute this idea presents that such parties are essential for individuals and the society. They are of the opinions that social gatherings and parities are our cultural heritage. They allow individuals to have a break from their routine lives and enjoy with their dear ones. These parties also act as social glue and strengthen the bonds of family relations. Thus, it is argued by some that holding social gatherings and parties is justifiable.

Spending extra money on wedding and birthday celebrations is encouraged and discouraged by many. People who discourage the idea hold that world’s resources should be preserved and the extra money should be put to useful purposes in the society. One the other hand, some people believe that such events are key to improving social bonding. I think that the idea of discouraging extravagant celebrations holds merit so as to preserve our resources and put our extra money to useful causes.


Regards
Owais

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Introduction - Good.
First main paragraph - attributed to means caused by or created by. Otherwise good.
Second main paragraph - Ah, now it's clear that you have missed the point! You've missed the words 'a lot' from the statement.
Conclusion - Doesn't really answer the question. (See paragraph 2.)

Overall, a tangential answer. Grammar is good. Vocabulary is relevant to the topic, but not used to specifically answer the question. So, this would score well on grammar and poorly (or mediocre at best) on the other criteria.

All the best,
David