Please assess my writing and give possible band score. My exam is on 5th december.

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Some people say that it is good to begin your career after university. Others claim that getting a job after graduating school is much more appropriate. Discuss both and give your own opinion.



Essay : In today's world, obtaining a satisfactory position in the job market is the number one concern among young people. There is a difference of opinion, however, whether it is better to complete a degree course to make sure to obtain a good occupation or starting to work after leaving school. Skilled employees with no degree but possessing enough abilities in their jobs are always valued. Changing nature of life reveals that even a well-deserved diploma can not warrant a stable occupation on condition that a society needs more manual workers.
There are good grounds for arguing that qualifications obtained through tertiary education will come in handy in deciding on a career. It can be seen that increasingly more economies throughout the world are becoming knowledge-based in which securing a job impies to get a qualification. Moreover, high-ranking and lucrative occupations are available providing that a qualification is a graduate from a top university. In many developed countries, for instance, a blue-collar worker cannot work their way up to the management position from the factory floor because these positions appear to be given to MBAs.
Equally, in favour of supporting to work after the graduation from the school base their arguments on the fact that, service work does not necessitate a university diploma. It can be argued that more often than not it is tough to find a post in the graduate job market. Fir example, in the USA, one in five graduates ends up doing a job which does not require a specific knowledge. In fact, in some communities people with work experience are appreciated more than those who have finished their PHDs.
By way of a conclusion, it is difficult to say that a degree can help to get a jon in this competitive world. People still enjoy having a nob with little training and for the most part it is skills and experience which determine job security.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni,
Introduction - Good, but the last sentence is not well-phrased.
First main paragraph - Very good!
Second main paragraph - Also good!
Conclusion - Change 'nob' to 'job'! Personalise the conclusion a little.
Overall - Good arguments and good use of vocabulary. Some grammatical errors, but generally quite easy to understand.
Well done,
David