please check my essay, i am appearing in next IELTS test in this NOV.

[new.learner]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is to increasecnumber of sport facilities. Other, however say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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An increasing concern for many countries around the globe is to have good public health. It can be seen clearly as number of health related diseases have increased tremendously over recent decades. Some argue that the best way to improve public health is by increasing sport facilities, however , it is refuted by many. Both sides will be critiqued before a reasonable conclusion is found.

On one hand, it is felt that incorporating physical fitness in a person will reduce probabilty of having any obesity related disease in him. Thus, it could only be achieved if a person could have easy access to nearby sports centre. For example, in Toronto, there is a 'Goodlife fitness' opened in every condominium building, and hundreds of families residing in that building do gym regu;arly. Thus, increasing sport facilities can improve public health as it is seen in Toronto.

Contrary to this argument, many hold the idea of regulation of food available in the market. It is believed that reducing fast food restaurants and junk foods available in super markets is the only solution. Take “lays’ chips company, for instance, who has launched baked potatos chips in market. which has only half of the calories than the regular one. Measures like replacing regular unhealthy chips with oven baked ones by governoment can help to improve public health in society.

After looking at both sides, my opinions would be that all possible steps should be taken by govornment to reduce load on our health care system. Increasing sports facilities for citizens and regulation of healthy available foood items in country along with other possibe steps will be effective to improve public health as soon as possible . It is hoped that these strategies will be increasingly put into practice in forseeable future.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello New Learner,

Introduction - Good, but I would change the last sentence to make it personal. This essay is YOUR opinion.

First main paragraph - You fail to explain why someone MUST go to a sports center to keep fit ("It could ONLY be achieved ..."). I assure you that this is untrue!

Second main paragraph - The phrase "Food Nazi" (= people who tell others what they can and cannot eat) jumps to mind! I think you need to develop this idea by saying why the government should control what I eat. Does this argument extend to other areas of my life? What clothes I can wear? Who I can date? Where I can watch TV? The argument is very simplistic.

Conclusion - Well, it's your opinion, but ...
1. How about if the costs of building the facilities exceeds the reduced cost to the health service?
2. If people have to work long hours, will they have time to use the facilities?
3. Who decides what is healthy and what is not?

Basically, make sure that your points are clearly developed. Don't make assertions that have little or no support. Vocabulary is generally good (regular unhealthy chips, condominium). Grammar is quite good, with a good range of structures.

All the best,
David

[new.learner]

Thanks for your comments and suggestions..i will surely pay more attention to arguments. But I feel it is really hard to come up with good reasons under pressure of time

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again,
To be honest, you can get a decent score quite easily with only the most basic ideas, but a well-developed T2 needs "a little extra"! Simple arguments tend to use simpler language (e.g. they lack good adverbs such as usually, generally) and simpler grammar (e.g. fewer conditional sentences).
Time pressure is a key part of IELTS - it is a test, after all! But you are correct - good ideas need to be in your head before you even walk into the test room. Reading will help and I strongly recommend The Economist and quality newspapers such as The Sunday Times in the UK. In addition, reading IELTS reading passages will help. Note how the texts are not 'definitive', i.e. they rarely state that something ALWAYS happens.
All the best with your preparations,
David