Please have a look at my essay

[sandeep2206]

Negative effects due to gloablization. what extent do you agree ?

Indubitably, globalization has brought a tremendous change in the lives of people. However, it also has had negative effects on the economy. This essay will demonstrate the negative effects due to the globalization in the following paragraphs.

Firstly, There is an increase in competition among the companies in the market. Many new companies have entered into local businesses due to the globalization, which lead to an increase in competition among companies for the customer base. For instance, multi national companies like Walmart, Coles have started their businesses in the Asian countries such as Hong Kong, China and India. This scenario has brought a competitive environment among all the companies in the markets. This is certainly a difficult situation for the retail companies in India, China and Hongkong. Thus, this example clearly shows why globalization is not favorable for the businesses.

Secondly, it affected employment opportunities of local people. The globalization has opened the gates for outsourcing work for foreign companies. This has adverse affect on the employment opportunities of people living in the developed countries. By the way of illustration, Most of the Information and technology companies outsource the work to India, which has been affecting the employment in the United States of America. This example clearly shows how globalization has affected the job opportunities of the people. Thus, it is evident that globalization has negative effects on people.
In conclusion, after analyzing the competitive nature created due to the globalization and the effect of globalization on the employment of the locales. it is strongly believed that globalization has negative effects on the people. It is hoped that at least in future, governments would try to solve the problems raised due to the process of globalization.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello Sandeep!

It's not often that the very first word of an essay makes an impact, but ... indubitably?! This is a rather old-fashioned word, now normally used to comic effect.

I think that, overall, you have taken a very one-sided view of globalisation. You failed to point out that more competitive foreign companies benefit their home countries and that outsourcing work benefits many workers in less developed countries, i.e. the other side of the coin with reference to your main arguments.

Good grammar (range and accuracy) and good vocabulary with regard to one aspect (negative) of the topic.

With regard to competition between businesses, I think you should be fair and point out that there has been competition between companies within India and China. Why is that acceptable and competition from the USA unacceptable?

My personal view: The idea that globalisation is somehow wrong or even evil because it does not benefit every single person all of the time is a rather strange ideology that has, unfortunately, caught on in the West too. The fact that any other economic system (e.g. Communism) would also fail to benefit every single person is ignored or dismissed.

All the best,
David

[sandeep2206]

Thanks for the comment David, I will try to put a better argument next time. However, I am concentrating more on my structuring of sentences and avoiding of awkward sentences. So, I did not pay much attention on the argument. Thanks for ur suggestions.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Sandeep,
Yes, it can be a tough line to tread - ideas and coherence, vocab and grammar.
As long as you have a couple more months and time to write more essays, you should be heading for a good score!
David