I need to improve my writing. Please review my essay and give possible band score.

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others however believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Essay:
In today's world, it has been controversial whether parents or school curriculum is an optimal choice to teach children how to get an excellent career in a society. An overwhelming majority of people claim that parents have a great influence on the future of offsprings. Nonetheless some other indeed aee the opposite scenario believing that, the role of school is irreplacable comparing to other fields on bringing up children. This is indeed approval argument which will be analyzed following in the essay.

From the one perspective, parents are the people who are aware of the characteristics of their sons and daughters. Hence they know the best features and can put an emphasis on polishing these skills rather than any school teachers. Additionally, they concentrate their mind on only their children and can spend much time on working with them, whereas it is ardous for school professors to take control of the whole class.

Nevertheless, all these are surely not enough to disguise the basic role of the school which is more obvious. First and foremost, during the classes, pupils prone to feel a sense of competitiveness which leads them to be the most clever student amidst groupmates.

Furthermore, all teachers are considered to be well-qualified people and they have already received their pedagogical degree. Therefore, with the aid of huge knowledge not only in teaching but also bringing up youngsters, teachers' role and life-long experience are rewardable. As to exemplify, most teachers have experienced variety of difficulties on dealing with different behavioured pupils. So it helps to raise and prepare youth on finding a suitable career in the future.

By way of conclusion, although some merits of parents on brnging up children are acceptable, schools and teachers' role can not be replaced with any other options for the reasons states above.
310 words
Thanks a lot
Doni

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni,

A key aim of an academic essay is to convince the reader of a certain point of view. In IELTS, one of your main tasks in T2 is to use your English (particularly vocabulary and grammar) to accomplish this.

Please take a VERY deep breath before reading on ...

Introduction - Be careful with some of the vocabulary. Is this issue really 'controversial'? What do you mean by 'excellent career'? When you say 'approval argument', what do you mean exactly? Perhaps most importantly, the points that parents can have a great influence on children whilst school is irreplaceable are not opposites or mutually exclusive. You can easily have both!

First main paragraph - If you say 'parents are THE people who', this suggests that parents are the ONLY people who know the character of their children. What about grandparents, friends and teachers? 'They know the best features'. Oh, after years of teaching, I can tell you that a real problem is that they often also ignore the worst features!!! So many parents think their children are little angels who can do no wrong! Do parents have the time to 'polish' the skills? The vast majority of students I have taught (in many different countries) say 'no'. Do they really ONLY concentrate on their children? What about work, their spouse, friends and hobbies? Furthermore, 'these skills' that parents 'polish' are not identified.

Second main paragraph - So the basic role of a school is to increase competitiveness among students? You're literally the first person who has ever said that to me. Therefore, it has actually been very well disguised and is not obvious to the hundreds of teachers and thousands of students and parents I have met! Only ONE student can be the cleverest. Groupmates? Classmates, perhaps.

Third main paragraph - Not all teachers have degrees, even in wealthy countries, and certainly not in rural Africa. You need to explain how dealing with difficult students helps children find a suitable career.

Conclusion - You say that the teacher cannot be replaced, but your first paragraph contradicts this and the paragraph supporting schools contains no evidence.

Overall, do not fall into the trap of making definitive statements that cannot be, or are not, supported. In addition, do not use words, particularly higher level ones, incorrectly. Using simpler vocab correctly is almost always more effective. Make sure that each argument is explained and supported, otherwise the examiner must give you a lower score than you would probably like.

The points I have mentioned will significantly reduce your scores for task response, coherence and vocabulary.

Hopefully, I wasn't too brutal, but I trust that these observations will help you to write a more balanced, more informative, better argued essay - using appropriate vocabulary and structures - next time.

All the best,
David

[Doni Nacho]

Thank you Mr David. I will try to follow your instructions. I'm sorry which score can I get for this task 2 response?
Wait for your answer soon
Doni