The chart illustrates the total time spent on different types of phone calls in the UK from 1995 to 2002.The units for three different categories namely local(fixed line),National and International(fixed line), and Mobile calls are measured in minutes (billions).
Overall,there was an upward trend in the number of minutes spent on mobile,national and international calls(fixed line).Although,the time spent on local calls fluctuated but it gained more popularity over the period of 8years.However,the usage of mobile phones increased over time but the British spent least time on mobile calls as compared to local,national and international calls on fixed line.
According to the chart,the total number of minutes spent on local calls on fixed line were 70billions in 1995.This number rose to 90billions minutes in 1988 and remained steady for a year before dropping to 70billions in 2002.During the same period,the usage of national and international calls through fixed line in Uk was 35billions in 1995,peaking at 60billions in 2002.
Minutes spent by the British on mobile calls increased rapidly from 1995 to 2002.There was a significant rise in time spent on mobile calls from 3billions in 1995 to 45billions minutes in 2002.
Please evaluate my writing task 1and give valuable comments.
Please evaluate my writing task 1and give valuable comments.
- Attachments
-
- image.jpeg (1.32 MiB) Viewed 2189 times
Re: Please evaluate my writing task 1and give valuable comments.
Dear Prinks056
This looks familiar!
The introduction lacks cohesion. Try making one sentence covering all the information:
The chart illustrates the total time spent in billions of minutes for three categories of phone call in the UK – fixed line national, fixed line international and mobile – from 1995 to 2002.
The second paragraph starts with an overall statement which would be better in the concluding lines. The report lacks progression: start with significant details and finish with a general view. (Sometimes preparation books say do it the other way round, but that is what the marking criteria means by 'progression'.)
Try to use some ‘less common’ vocabulary. For example, use ‘expended’(K7) instead of ‘spent’, ‘surge’ (K4) instead of 'rise' and ‘proliferation’ (K6) instead of 'growth'.
Overall, local land-line use rose from 1995, peaked in 1999 and returned to 1995 levels in 2002.
Minutes spent on other landline calls - domestic and overseas – climbed steadily throughout the period.
Mobile phone time was insignificant in 1995, but proliferated from 1999, closing the gap on landline calls.
I hope this helps
Kind regards
Teacher Jill
This looks familiar!
The introduction lacks cohesion. Try making one sentence covering all the information:
The chart illustrates the total time spent in billions of minutes for three categories of phone call in the UK – fixed line national, fixed line international and mobile – from 1995 to 2002.
The second paragraph starts with an overall statement which would be better in the concluding lines. The report lacks progression: start with significant details and finish with a general view. (Sometimes preparation books say do it the other way round, but that is what the marking criteria means by 'progression'.)
Try to use some ‘less common’ vocabulary. For example, use ‘expended’(K7) instead of ‘spent’, ‘surge’ (K4) instead of 'rise' and ‘proliferation’ (K6) instead of 'growth'.
Overall, local land-line use rose from 1995, peaked in 1999 and returned to 1995 levels in 2002.
Minutes spent on other landline calls - domestic and overseas – climbed steadily throughout the period.
Mobile phone time was insignificant in 1995, but proliferated from 1999, closing the gap on landline calls.
I hope this helps
Kind regards
Teacher Jill
Re: Please evaluate my writing task 1and give valuable comments.
Thanks a lot Teacher Jill.It was really helpful.I will try to improve my mistakes.How much would you grade this essay?And also I have read in few books to write an overview after introduction and no need of conclusion.What structure should I follow to get more than 7band ?
Re: Please evaluate my writing task 1and give valuable comments.
Dear Prinks056
TR 7
CC 5
LR 6
GRA 7
Overall 6.0
The descriptor for coherence and cohesion for band 7 is "logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout". Progression means starting at the beginning and moving through to the end. In a story, for example, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. In a report, there is an explanation of what we're looking at (the introduction) a description of the important/interesting details (the body - which may be in two paragraphs if you need to write about two charts or do a comparison) and an overview explaining what the point of the chart is (the 'conclusion'). In Task 1 it isn't as formal as a conclusion, more of a general summing up, but you wouldn't generally put that before the details as some prep books suggest. One thing which examiners don't like, is reading a report which isn't finished off in any way, leaving them thinking 'So what?' A one-sentence paragraph at the end can make a big difference. Have a look at the examples http://www.ieltsexchange.com/#!bar-charts/c15d9 and you'll see that they all have final paragraphs. These are for bar charts, but the pages for pie charts, tables, and so on, all have a concluding idea.
Kind regards
Teacher Jill
TR 7
CC 5
LR 6
GRA 7
Overall 6.0
The descriptor for coherence and cohesion for band 7 is "logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout". Progression means starting at the beginning and moving through to the end. In a story, for example, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. In a report, there is an explanation of what we're looking at (the introduction) a description of the important/interesting details (the body - which may be in two paragraphs if you need to write about two charts or do a comparison) and an overview explaining what the point of the chart is (the 'conclusion'). In Task 1 it isn't as formal as a conclusion, more of a general summing up, but you wouldn't generally put that before the details as some prep books suggest. One thing which examiners don't like, is reading a report which isn't finished off in any way, leaving them thinking 'So what?' A one-sentence paragraph at the end can make a big difference. Have a look at the examples http://www.ieltsexchange.com/#!bar-charts/c15d9 and you'll see that they all have final paragraphs. These are for bar charts, but the pages for pie charts, tables, and so on, all have a concluding idea.
Kind regards
Teacher Jill
Re: Please evaluate my writing task 1and give valuable comments.
Thanks a lot.I have written another writing task 1 keeping these things in mind.I would really appreciate if you can evaluate it and let me know my mistakes.
Cheers
Prinks
Cheers
Prinks